Comments : Destination Reached.

  • 8 years ago

    by ether

    At first I read half of this thinking, what the hell, she doesn't know what she's on about. Then I went back and started to read it again with a little more brain power and darn, this is a good write.
    It really makes you think about everything you say, and because of that you can appreciate the language, clauses and phrases you use. Utopia turning into gold dust, not just any dust, gold dust. I can see that you've thought about this quite clearly.

    So basically, great write, 5/5

    jess ~

  • 8 years ago

    by BREEawNUHH

    "The perpetual travel,
    A climb to the top,
    The reliable repetition,
    Of a ticking clock."

    ~ I like the reference to time in the first stanza. Almost as if the person is waiting for something to happen. Great word choice, and the rhyme is awesome, too.

    "No more than a prisoner,
    No less than true love,
    The reflection of fear,
    You are indicative of."

    ~ I feel like the flow is off in this stanza. More specifically, the last line. "indicative of" kind of runs together.

    "A pendulum of hope,
    A retreat from what's clear,
    A kaleidoscope of memories,
    A promise we couldn't adhere."

    ~ I'm not a huge fan of the fact that all of these lines begin with the same letter. I think if you reworded a couple lines, you could remove a couple of the "a"'s.

    "Parallel universes,
    Forced to meet,
    A state of quandary,
    Unfeasible to excrete."

    ~ Wow. Your vocabulary here is absolutely wonderful. Great job.

    "The golden age,
    Our golden fall,
    Stringent labor,
    Building my stone wall."

    ~ The flow seems off here. I think it's because the last line has more syllables than the other three lines. I'd say work on that a bit, so it flows better.

    "The serpent in you,
    The fuel to the fire,
    Igniting the urge,
    The vengeance you inspire."

    ~ Whoaaa! A beautiful stanza. My favourite in the poem. Everything is perfect here.

    Overall; this is a great poem. Five out of five. [5/5]

    Briana

  • 8 years ago

    by Rolo

    Thought it was great. The flow was pretty good except for a few of the stanzas. Loved the word choice, it said so much to me. I thought it was a great message and a beautiful write. Nice job. 5/5.

    -Rolo

  • 8 years ago

    by Jenni Marie

    "The perpetual travel,
    A climb to the top,
    The reliable repetition,
    Of a ticking clock.

    A hasty manner,
    A jaded view,
    If you're my quarantine,
    What am I to you?"

    ^^I love these opening stanzas, so beautiful and unique, but I don't think you need "the" on the first and third line in the first stanza.

    "A pendulum of hope,
    A retreat from what's clear,
    A kaleidoscope of memories,
    A promise we couldn't adhere.

    Parallel universes,
    Forced to meet,
    A state of quandary,
    Unfeasible to excrete."

    ^^I think these will be my favourite verses in the poem, I find them both to hold so much power and strength, a beautiful way carry the piece forward.

    "The golden age,
    Our golden fall,
    Stringent labor,
    Building my stone wall."

    ^^I found the flow to be of in the last line.

    "The serpent in you,
    The fuel to the fire,
    Igniting the urge,
    The vengeance you inspire."

    ^^I didn't like how many times you used "The" here.

    Maybe:

    The serpent in you,
    fuel to the fire,
    Igniting the urge,
    Vengeance you inspire.

    That being said, I adore this stanza!

    "If that which doesn't kill you,
    Only makes you stronger,
    Then you were the gateway,
    To every power I could conjure.

    The world may have to fear,
    The monster you created,
    But a hero evolved,
    Who's no longer sedated. "

    ^^oh my. I don't even know what to say about these closing verses..other than that they left me speechless...I love them!

    I found this poem to be beautifully written throughout and a wonderful read.

    In my favourites.