Comments : Happy, i am

  • 9 years ago

    by Italian Stallion

    An oustandingly interesting write for me, very powerful and deep. I liked your choice of words and how you portraited such great imagery through out. The flow and structure of this poem was good. Your wording created great imagery for this piece, I could really visualize it.

    I noticed that in this poem you don't use puncuation through out. Using puncuation will not only help the reader to know when to pause or stop. I can't stress it enough, puncuation is a big part of making it flow better as well the overall structure (which in your case is good except for the fact you have no puncuation)

    I also noticed that the first stanza is only 3 lines where the rest of the stanzas are 4 lines except for the last stanza which is 5 lines. I think the overall structure could be a little better if all the stanza where of the same length in size.

    We are not alone tonight
    And I somehow can agree
    That this was meant to be

    ^^Who is not alone tonight? And why aren't they alone? I feel like this first stanza was just thrown at the reader without a full explanation or other stanzas leading upto that point. Overall the stanza itself was well written, but I felt it could of been a bit better constructed as a whole with the rest of the poem.

    The slow death of the feeble souls
    Has not destroyed all of humanity
    Though this constant insanity
    Reveals the suffering in us all

    ^^Hard to believe but true in many aspects. This stanza shines the light in your face and gives you it in a nice raw way, Which I liked. I also liked your choice of wording in this stanza, it really stood out and made me want to read more.

    We are somehow alive!
    Yet so damn lifeless
    Mesmerized by the endless crying
    Of broken years

    ^^I think the second line could've done with out the word damn, but that is just my opinion, however; the more I read it, the more it really hit me that it fits well within this stanza. I liked the word mesmerized in this stanza as well, it really is a nice use of voacb.

    And something tells me that
    The grass is not going to grow back
    But you are real
    I am happy.

    ^^The only thing I have to say about this last stanza is the fact that it is 5 lines long when the rest of the poem is 4 lines long in each stanza. This is an easy fix, just move, "I am happy" up so it reads, "and, I am happy."


    Wonderful write, keep up the great work.

    Peace, Joe

  • 9 years ago

    by lisa marie

    Poetry should not be bound by stupid meaningless rules.

    I do not think that the first line is just thrown out there because it obviously ties in with the last.

    I thank you for your suggestions, but I will keep it the same cause I do not agree with them