Comments : Silence...

  • 8 years ago

    by Alex

    I think you had your groove! I liked it alot. It was cool.

  • 8 years ago

    by Teria

    "Never been so deafening
    Growing harsher and louder
    Ears are ringing"

    SECOND LINE: I think it's too much. In order to give the line/stanza/POEM what it needs Id suggest doing something like;

    [Never been so deafening
    Growing harsher ... louder
    Ears are ringing]
    (You could even make it a four lined stanza - which I realize wouldn't fit as well with the pattern you have but.. it would give it that longing, which I think sets in there and is needed more oomph-ized.

    OR

    [Never been so deafening
    Growing harsher, louder
    Ears are ringing]

    "It's taking over
    Sweat starts beading
    This is too much
    Must get away!"

    - Last line, I think it needs more to it.

    [It's taking over
    Sweat starts beading
    This is too much
    I must get away!]

    - Makes the line more direct instead of indirect. I think that sometimes poetry is quite amazing with indirect emotional boundaries, but this one should be set differently.

    You can't get your groove? Lol, I'm sorry but I thought this was a really good poem. The ending was amazing. You did a swell job. It had the best emotional imagery someone could ask for. Like, you could see the emotion while 'viewing' the vivid imagery.

    Amazing.

  • 8 years ago

    by Debbie

    "Silence...

    Playing tricks on the mind
    Heartbeat quickens
    Quietness drowning the beats

    Silence..."

    ^How you illustrated silence in this segment is brilliant, albeit intense. You really captured the image of a person losing his mind! =]

    With the details, the visual effects, and the nighttime experienced by most, if not all, people, this poem is really grooving!

    -Debbs