Comments : Looking At You

  • 15 years ago

    by The Prince

    Wow, this was so direct and lovely, and sweet! You didn't beat around the bush or anything, and I wont pull it apart and anaylse it because it all works as one big piece. I like how you've used the form, it's disjointed and it works that way. I don't rate poems, just comment but I loved this, excellent work lovely.

    'I don't care
    About the logistics of it.
    Don't care what x+y comes out to.'

    Love isn't an equation, there's no right or wrong. Great way of putting it!

  • 15 years ago

    by Faithless

    Well Skye I skye i love what you have written here. I like the idea that the poem is sort of like a confession. using just simple words to express ur emotions, I can feel how deeply in love u are with this person. Well it was a delightful to read this poem Keep it up

    Excellent Job
    5/5

  • 15 years ago

    by Jenni Marie

    "Looking at you
    I see a future
    I see forever in your eyes
    And your heart on your sleeve"

    ^^I enjoyed the opening, but didn't feel like you needed the "i." Maybe :

    Looking at you
    Seeing a future
    Searching for forever in your eyes
    And your heart on your sleeve

    "Because looking at you
    I know without a doubt
    That if I could,
    I would give you the world
    I would give you the moon and the stars
    And all the pastel sunsets you could ever want"

    ^^I adore the imagery within these lines, particularly the last one, however again I felt that you used "I" to much, maybe :

    Because looking at you
    Know without a doubt
    That if I could,
    Would give you the world
    The moon and the stars
    And all the pastel sunsets you could ever want

    "Or I could just give you me
    And you could just give me you
    Because you will always be enough
    In my eyes at least"

    ^^favourite part so far, the emotion in these lines is incredible.

    "The person I want to give my soul to
    The one who makes me laugh until I cry
    The one person who is always on my mind
    Regardless of time or location
    Or even need of sleep"

    ^^I'm enjoying this so far, but the amount of fillers are spoiling the piece for me (I, the, and etc) maybe :

    The person I want to give my soul to
    One who makes me laugh until I cry
    That one person who is always on my mind
    Regardless of time or location
    Or even need of sleep"

    "My dreams have been better lately
    With you in them"

    ^^I adore these lines, so sweet and heartfelt.

    "Somehow during the night,
    Though I know it's impossible
    I wind up wrapped in your arms-
    The warmest and only place
    I could ever
    Ever want to be."

    ^^I adore the sincerity and emotion within these lines, it really warms the heartstrings.

    "Looking at you
    I see a future
    I see forever in your eyes
    And your heart on your sleeve"

    ^^I liked the repetition, I thought it got the point across well without becoming overbearing.

    "Looking at you....
    I think I'm falling in love with you."

    ^^Beautiful closing lines, so sweet and simple, yet filled with so much depth and meaning.

    Though I found this okay, if I'm being honest I don't think this is one of your best, you're a far better writer than this poem shows.