Comments : A Spirited Incarceration

  • 9 years ago

    by Inside the Liar

    Nova! I was so thrilled that you finally posted something new! I couldn't resist wanting to be the first to comment on it.
    I loved this piece. It was short, as yours usually are, but you know what they say: quality over quantity.
    The first three lines took my breath away.
    "This brusque summer's gossip has caused my heart to falter"
    A wonderful way to open, I liked the use of 'brusque.'
    I liked the picture the second bit created of standing loudly. Also, the use of "cyclopic" was brilliant. you're always spot on with word choice. "Worms of rumor" - I'd never heard that before, but I liked it.
    I loved the couplet as well.
    "counteract my stricken forfeit" - This line was beautiful. That's the only word I can think of for it.
    The repitition in the last three lines fit in perfectly.
    This is going in my favorites. Welcome back, Novalyn. :)

    <3 Skye

  • 9 years ago

    by ether

    This seems more like a narration than something I can really relate to (vague comment of the centrury). Basically, I think your lines are maybe a little too long to really be relatable.
    However you may not be aiming to write a piece people can fully relate to, so, I'll move on.

    I really like "worms of rumour" because rumours are like worms, they find there way anywhere, between tight places and they're also 'dirty', in a sense. That was a wonderful phrase.

    And your repetition is to be commeneded because it's hard to pull off, but in this piece, it pulled-in. It tied the piece together well. Plus a "bright agenda" is an effective contrast to what your poem otherwise deals with, the darker ways of the world.

    Great work with this, 5/5.

  • 9 years ago

    by The Prince

    Your meanings always lie encased in a fortress of linguistics and it's somewhat satisfying to crack it open and see what lies inside..I have too much time on my hands (I shouldn't, I know) but let me have a go :)

    I find your method of wording sensational, there's a lot of lexis there that isn't immediate and that could mean different things. I get pessimism from this piece..'brusque summer' could mean short lived, ambigious to mean that orr how it holds promise. I find that 'falter' suggests that it's promising a lot but too much and you wanna slow down before you race the race sort of thing. The next line also complements that in how it can be read as you feel claustraphobic in the sudden rush and hurly burly of things. It's like 'whoa slow down!' You're not free to do the things you usually do due to 'schedule' and the juxtaposition of 'writing' and 'breathe' could suggest that writing is like breathing..sometimes writers MUST write.
    The final line could sum up what I've just said and if my implications are wrong, then you're being offered another interpritation which (I, anyway find) is exciting.

    'soil soaked intentions stand loud in the flagrant spotlight, '

    See, I'm not sure about 'soil soaked', just the connotations of each word clash yet I see what you're trying to say. Perhaps it's a case of changing 'soaked' The deliberacy of 'flagrant spotlight' could be as if your intentions are clear, are right in front of you, what you want to do but you're being held back? Or is it the opposite way round, like the 'soil soaked' intentions are manipulating you as if to pull you away from your 'agenda'. Thought provoking. I shall come back to this piece after this comment. :)

    'what time I have held audacity in scheme of things benign,
    I would that then be now, to counteract my stricken forfeit.'

    It's almost like you personified time here, like it's arrogant, I didn't quite get the syntax here though:

    'I would that then be now'

    Stricken forfeit was an excellent phrase though, like you've given in to the restraints and your 'agenda'.

    I like the seasonal references in the last stanza, 'swollen solstice reverie' was a gorgeous implication of your situation.

    I think that overall this piece is about having too much to do but not having the time to do it. Things hold you back and what youre meant to do restricts you from what you want to do? It can be viewed as pessimistic with an undertone of optimism, it's almost like a complacency in the final line. This can be read different ways, I'm gonna put it in my favourites so I can come back to it (as previously noted), really good to see you writing again.

    Hope my comment wasn't too ridiculously off what you were trying to portray.

  • 9 years ago

    by Steady Stereotype

    This was a wonderfully written piece, and I'm finding it very interesting to crack this deeply hidden message. You're language is absolutely superb, a great use of various words, adjectives and then a beautiful metaphor that you followed through to the end.

    I found that the flow was perfect, and yet not so. It was easy to read, but didn't sound like a poem but just like paragraphs like I'd read in History class. 4.5/5