Comments : Cranston Marriot

  • 9 years ago

    by Lady Nik

    The days i lose,
    i can't relive,
    it's sad but true,
    I'm held captive,
    inside this room,
    just waiting for court,
    to learn my doom,
    a lesson to be taught,

    *I really liked this. I think it was a good way to start. Some things that bothered me a little were the commas at the end of each line, it's a little annoying. I would take some of them out and maybe add some periods. Also I would use uppercase "I"s insteat of lowercase. But other then that you're off to a nice start.*

    i peer out a sunny window,
    sadly only fits my face,
    severely yearning for freedom,
    i just want a taste,
    I'm held without bail,
    due to my case,
    again i fail,
    back in this place,

    *I didn't understand the second line. I think maybe you should reword it so that it makes a little more sense. By whay the rest of the stanza says I'm guessing your in jail. Maybe you should say something about prision bars blocking your view of the sun or something like that.*

    i watch the clouds,
    slowly pass by,
    it turns to night,
    and i close my eyes,
    i go to sleep,
    and wait till light,
    my life's on repeat,
    with no end in sight,

    *I though this stanza waz simple, but it's easier to understand then the rest. I can picture this in my head. Nice work.*

    the food plain sucks,
    my cells to hot,
    the showers to cold,
    my beds like a rock,
    got no pillows,
    and only two sheets,
    just one jumper,
    gets washed once a week,
    I'm sick of jail,
    ha never again,
    i said that last time,
    and bang I'm back in...

    *Hmmm...I don't know about this ending. The tone changes here. You go from almost like a sad tone to a random up beat care free tone. I'm not sure if that works here or not. I like how it's worded, and the flow is great, but the tone throws me off a little. Anyways I liked it. Thanks for sharing your story with us. Keep it up. Nik*