*I don' thtink you need a comma after "heart". I would hust write it as one full line.*
intimately wired to the sun and the moon
*This is a long line and I would make it shorter so that it's
Intimately wired to the
sun and the moon"
That way it doesn't sick out from the rest if the poem.*
my heart, ruptures,
*Same thing with the comma here, seems fine without it.*
all bloody need for you
painting the sky;
I whisper your name
and collapse my heart,
cease the blood flow into the atmosphere of grieving.
*Another long line, I'd break this down. I felt you said very powerful things I would just work on the delivery. I love the iamgery though. I feel like I can feel your heart breaking.*
of stagnant love,
cast across my breath,
I need your light;
breaking through bloody clouds,
helping me exist.
*Flawless stanza hun :) I felt everything was worded perfectly. I really enjoyed your piece. It was very emotional and so well written. I'd just work on those few things I pointed out. Overall a beautiful piece. Nik*