Comments : I Must Belong Somewhere.

  • 9 years ago

    by Lady Nik

    There's a dim light on my bedside,

    *I didn't like this line, I'd change it to "there's a dim light beside my bed" That sounds better to me*

    that dances quietly as I read myself to sleep,
    in a small, untidy room,
    alone with my crumpled tissues and snotty sleeves.

    *Awwww this part is really sad but I love the personal imagery. I can really picture a girl crying with tissue everywhere. Really sad but something I'm sure people can relate to.*

    Tonight the stars are mocking me:

    *I love this line!!! Brillant. I don't think I've ever seen this one before. Super original*

    painting the sky with twinkling pairs,
    while I'm left with your faint scent on my pillow.
    I must belong somewhere.

    *I like how you used the stars here. It add a nice touch to this stanza and really lets people know just how lonely you are. A truly depressing feeling, not having the one you love anymore;but your imagery is so soft and beautiful here. The last line wraps it up perfectly*

    Days blend together in a sympathetic symphony,

    *Love the alliteration :) *

    conducted by emotion,

    *I would add anonther word to before emotion, maybe like "strong emotions" or "complicated" That way the readers can see what kind of emotions you're feeling and how that affects your days*

    whose hands wring me dry.
    My eyes have been crying over the notion

    *I like that you said notion and not "thought" or some other worn out word. Clevee Nova :) *

    that I'll be forever left alone,
    sinking into the dewy grass on the front lawn,
    wondering why the driveway seems so long,
    and what I've done so wrong.

    *Wow the imagery here really blows me away. It's so simple but yet so detailed. I can imagine everything you're saying and that's amazing.*

    The morning sun on the soft of my eyes
    does nothing to entice me anymore.

    *Love how this starts*

    I used to crawl with anticipation to begin a day,

    *I love how you use "crawl" here. Most people would say "move" or something simple but this is a very creative word to use here. I wouldn't think to crawl with anticipation...the word is mostly used to show like sadness and I like that you flipped around.*

    and now I wake at ten 'til four.
    My limbs twitch, in wishful thinking:
    I dreamt I had you by my side last night.
    These afternoons taste stale,
    when they're made to help myself and reality reunite.

    *Flawless. I love the diction. You are so good at picking out the best word for your lines. They always strike the right emotions and aren't confusing. :) *

    Dust has gathered on the telephone,
    and anguish thickens the still, silent air.
    A whispered thought repeats:
    I must belong somewhere.
    There's got to be something that's calling me home,
    or someone who's aching to call me their own.
    Nothing is real if it remains unshared...
    Please, I must belong somewhere.

    *Such a sad and personal piece. You can belong in my heart :) This was lovely in a sad way but so filled with clever ideas and creative diction. I really enjoyed the story you told here and I'm so glad I read this. I can relate so well to this. It's like you just wrote my life story. Anyways amazing job deary. Keep it up :) Nik*

  • 7 years ago

    by Matthew Schut

    Wow, so much emotion! I think all of us have felt these feelings but haven't been able to put them into words like this!! SO powerful and well written!! :)