Comments : Heather Smiles She Lights Up A Room

  • 5 years ago

    by Larry Chamberlin

    Intriguing set-up.
    Are the dreams being chased because you want her to face reality or in order to take part in the dreams themselves?
    What do you mean by "mass suspense?" It has intimations of physical forces countered by emotional power.

    Interesting: "means volumes"

    "Breath" should be "breathe"

    Did you purposely not capitalize "heather?"

    Your sometimes-on sometimes-off rhyme scheme distracts the reader; it would be better to choose on or the other and be consistent. You seem to have the talent to carry off any scheme you choose, so try a complicated one that emphasizes your theme rather than one that simply fulfills the reader's expectations.

    The phrase "given circumstance" seems too generic for your fine work.

    Your theme of beauty's power is well developed, both as a promise of a future and the conflicts that face your hopes of achieving it. The future always includes "gloom" but like happiness it is temporal.

    You end with a mystery: is Heather in this world, but merely absent, or has she died? Is this a paean to lost love or hope to reunite? Now or in the next life. A certain amount of vagueness is good for this work.

    Spell check: reverence

    Rhyming call with call?

    Well done, despite minor syntax issues, your poetry is excellent. Welcome to the PnQ site.

  • 5 years ago

    by Hellon

    I actually loved your on/off rhyme scheme...though it enhanced the verse and brought a certain charm to it. I never though I'd hear myself say this...because I do try to avoid punctuation at all costs but,here....it needs a little.

    I really liked this one....a little unusual and...just a tad different from the norm...

    I thought your title was too long BTW...