I loved everything about this poem but the repetition of 'dream' towards the end. It felt as though I was just reading the lines separately at that point, not as a whole with flow. Love this though, descriptive and unique. Well done, nice to read something from you again.
5 years ago
by Ronel McCarthy
'.....betraying the dream you're dreaming ' shows how you observe her facial expression and breathing which give us clues about her dream .........and the revelation in the last line -you have to leave . Lovely poem
Oh, I can say that I really love this piece. It conveys a meaningful ideas to the reader. I love the smoothness of the flow and the scheme of the poem, awesome.
You could be picking the primroses and lilies in your dream,
and dropping them in the china vase of my dream.
I would stay with you and dream
But it goes against the grain of my heart.
I like the way you repeated the dream in last lines..it gives spark in the ending. The poem was cleverly written and perfectly arranged so some parts gleam with purpose. I like the metaphor "picking the primroses and lilies in your dream," You're a genius. I really enjoy this piece. Keep writing:)
Wow, the thought of primroses and lilies is such a pretty scene playing out in the depths of my imagination. The thoughts of you watching her sleep and feeling betrayed by the way her lip twitches. That's just such a powerful poem and scene that it portrays how the littlest things can be the most hurtful.