Comments : Dollie's Diary

  • 5 years ago

    by Purple Rose

    Typos: Fourth stanza, 'Ever' is supposed to be 'Every.' I would put quotes around the 'Dear Diary' and 'Love Dolly' at the beginning since you are talking about a diary entry written by someone else...

    Hannah, I don't know if this is true, but it seems like this is about one of the patients in the nursing homes. Or maybe it was your grandma? Or maybe you are writing from another's point of view...however, it seems like you know quite a lot about this person that I would almost say you know her. Maybe this is completely made up and I am just talking on a rampage? Yeah, that seems good...

    Whoever this was about, it is a very beautiful poem. It is a story. I wouldn't change it at all, because if you do it would take out all of the glorious detail.

    Excellent
    5/5

  • 5 years ago

    by L

    As far as length, I think it's the right one, since all the details are needed. I wouldn't take anything out. I liked the way it's written. It sounds like a real story, a narrative poem in fact. I could picture "Dollie" smiling to the sunshine rays of her window, and holding her diary as the best treasure she has. I liked that this poem is a story but also that it's inspirational. The last lines wrapped everything for me, and gave me this feeling of fulfillment. 5/5

  • 5 years ago

    by Dagmar Wilson

    This is beautiful and I would leave it just
    the way it is. the secret book was her best friend.
    very touching

  • 5 years ago

    by Thomas

    Heart-touching story, I felt like crying at the end.

    I really liked this and hope you do more of these :)

    5/5

  • 5 years ago

    by Naughtymouse

    Oh my hannah.......you got some skills girl whooooot!!

    The subject was great and your descriptive writing was AMAZING! I really loved this write, fantastic :-)

  • 5 years ago

    by Lioness

    Have you ever thought about writing a book?

    This was awesome and completely enjoyed the read. The length was fine, it did not bother me at all because of the content which was enjoyable to read.

    Awesome, awesome!!!

    x

  • 5 years ago

    by Decayed

    Way to go Hannah, lovely narration.

  • 5 years ago

    by Xanthe

    I think.. as a poem, it could be shortened whilst giving the same message/story and it might (possibly) be more powerful.
    A huge risk with long narratives is that the reader may lose interest, and skim to the end of the piece/poem without really understanding it (not that I did lol).

    I did enjoy reading this. The idea was creative. But to be perfectly honest, it's not that original anymore and a little too predictable.. I know it is hard to write a unique story now, since a lot has already been written, but it is what we always look for. I would have wanted a little more suspense; a twist, something that would surprise me.

    I liked how you ended it with the last page of her diary. I've read this more than twice now, and if you don't mind, I have a suggestion :)
    I think it would be better if the excerpt was written as a 'poem'; a little more poetic..?

    But overall, this was well-written. You have a great idea here that needs just a little more work on (in my opinion) Lovely write though.
    Keep it up :)

  • Oh Lord, this is one of my favourite poems .. EVER!

    I had tears in my eyes at the end, it was just so heartfelt.

    Believe me, it is not too long at all, but just perfect the way it is! Don't change a thing.

    5/5 Masterpiece.