Typos: Fourth stanza, 'Ever' is supposed to be 'Every.' I would put quotes around the 'Dear Diary' and 'Love Dolly' at the beginning since you are talking about a diary entry written by someone else...
Hannah, I don't know if this is true, but it seems like this is about one of the patients in the nursing homes. Or maybe it was your grandma? Or maybe you are writing from another's point of view...however, it seems like you know quite a lot about this person that I would almost say you know her. Maybe this is completely made up and I am just talking on a rampage? Yeah, that seems good...
Whoever this was about, it is a very beautiful poem. It is a story. I wouldn't change it at all, because if you do it would take out all of the glorious detail.
6 years ago
As far as length, I think it's the right one, since all the details are needed. I wouldn't take anything out. I liked the way it's written. It sounds like a real story, a narrative poem in fact. I could picture "Dollie" smiling to the sunshine rays of her window, and holding her diary as the best treasure she has. I liked that this poem is a story but also that it's inspirational. The last lines wrapped everything for me, and gave me this feeling of fulfillment. 5/5
I think.. as a poem, it could be shortened whilst giving the same message/story and it might (possibly) be more powerful.
A huge risk with long narratives is that the reader may lose interest, and skim to the end of the piece/poem without really understanding it (not that I did lol).
I did enjoy reading this. The idea was creative. But to be perfectly honest, it's not that original anymore and a little too predictable.. I know it is hard to write a unique story now, since a lot has already been written, but it is what we always look for. I would have wanted a little more suspense; a twist, something that would surprise me.
I liked how you ended it with the last page of her diary. I've read this more than twice now, and if you don't mind, I have a suggestion :)
I think it would be better if the excerpt was written as a 'poem'; a little more poetic..?
But overall, this was well-written. You have a great idea here that needs just a little more work on (in my opinion) Lovely write though.
Keep it up :)