I can relate to the part reaching for a pen
and paper just to find out my mind is blank.
You want to say so much but you don't know
how to put it on paper.
Frustration sets in and we crumble the paper
and aim for the tras can. There comes a time in life where we have to sit and reevalute. At times we sincerely have to
let go and try to move on
I thought I would write about you because I woke up missing you today
But when it came to putting pen to paper I couldn't word what I wanted to say
I can certainly relate to this opening... so many times I felt like writing about someone or something, but the words just don't come to mind.
I liked the opening, it instantly captivates readers.
My only critique here:
Perhaps the lines are little long - maybe think about revising? Your choice.
A million sentences queued up inside of my head
But a million sentences went on unsaid
The feeling that there's so much to be said, but nothing that seems right or which is able to take form.
Perfect flow with these two lines.
I'm not entirely sure the 'of' in the first line is needed.... Don't know. It works both ways, but it kind of sticks out with it there. Maybe that's just me. Have a read through yourself and see what you think. That's all I can suggest. (:
Frustration took over an emotion I cannot abide
Desperately wanting to communicate these feelings inside
Yes, can definitely relate!
I've sat down for hours, writing line after line... scribbling out line after line... trying to make something stick .. it can be a frustrating task especially when you don't have any success.
I think a comma is needed in the first line after 'over'
But the page remained empty as pen and paper refused to meet
I twisted and turned and rocked back in my seat
The imagery here is simple but clear.
The flow words perfect also.
Until I gave up on writing about the hurt you made me feel
As in reality the memory of you has no appeal
Perhaps by your inability to write the 'hurt' down, you had already pushed it aside without realising OR perhaps you weren't ready to release it..?
There needs a semicolon I think at the end of the first line - there definitely needs to be a pause of some type and I think a fullstop is too abrupt.
So I screwed the paper into a ball with a grin
Threw it across the room and watched it fall into the bin
Again, absolutely love the simplicity of the imagery!
Like the saying goes there is a reason you didn't make to my now
And the truth is I've let go somehow
'Let go somehow' - you've let go of the 'hurt' without realising, without consenting... perhaps it was time, perhaps you had moved on...?
There needs to be a comma after 'goes'
Also 'it' is needed after the 'make'
I have built myself a future of gold
I know that I am lucky I do not need to be told
Happiness comes when we least expect it and from things we least expect... so when we find it we like to hold on to it.
I liked the idea of 'future of gold'
I think there needs to be a comma after 'lucky'
So even though sometimes you cross my mind I know you are not the one for me
Someone else makes me feel special and a life with him is all I can see
You have let go of your past in order to embrace your present and your future.
I really like the ideas you present in this stanza.
Firstly, the lines are definitely too long - the flow is out of sync here. Perhaps revise?
Current line suggestions - I think a comma should be after 'mind' in the first line.
And when I say I miss you I guess deep down that isn't true
Because when it came to it I chose a life without you
Here I sense acceptance .. acceptance that you are no longer in love with this person, that this person is definitely in your past... they will not be in your future, because you are happy.
I think a comma should be added after 'came to it' in the second line.
I just get curious at times about where you are going
But with that wordless ball of paper I know I am ok not knowing
Again that acceptance shines through your words here. You accept that you want to know about this person, but in turn you also accept that you don't need to know - it's not going to kill you not knowing!
I like the ending - it's a line that ends with a simple message. It's not hard-hitting, but just sort of, carefree. Like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders.
In saying as I have above, I think the last line is structured/worded awkwardly. It is still legible, but I thought I might take note of it. I think it's most likely the last few words that is causing this issue.
A really enjoyable piece.
There are a few suggestions I have written above - they are simply that, suggestions! - it's completely your choice if you use them.
My most common suggestions was mainly to do with punctuation - which I must admit, writers tend to forget when emotions are high, a good writing rhythm has been found, etc.. There are a number of reasons.
Your flow was off in places but your rhyming was consistent throughout the piece.
I liked the easy, relatable concept that you chose to write about.
I really liked the flow and ryhme to this, it is these types of poems I really enjoy to read.,
I could relate tot his, it reminded me of my writers block I often get, also of my elective mutism which I have so much in my head and on the tip of my tongue but yet the words just won't come out, very frustrating.
Nice job, keep it up
5 years ago
The rhymes flow really well. I too enjoyed reading this poem.
5 years ago
A stunning write as usual. I like how you made it sound so natural. It sounds like this is about your first love but maybe I'm wrong? Either way I'm glad you found happiness :-)
I feel this is definitely one of my favorites for sure... I am at awe how you could write so thoughtfully.... I felt like you were reading my mind.... I relate to it so much... at times, truly you have a lot to say but end up mum.. So superb:)