Just Wondering

Countless upon a time, I
Disliked,
Doubted,
Regretted,
Missed you as a father.

But I've never hated you.

To think someone like you could even
Raise three children;
Let alone, one.

What was she thinking?
Getting with you.
And you,
What with her?
If only you knew
The lies,
Longings,
Absence,
Hurt you caused us;
Before you had us.

I used to think I should have been
Swallowed, or
You should have used protection
When I was concieved.

I wish you would have known
The feelings of
Suicide,
Depression,
The on and off feeling of a "father"
You caused us.

But now we're grown,
Two-third's of us anyway.
And at least I can take away from it a
Guess,
Prediction,
Assumption that you love us.

Do you love us?
You say it but you don't
Express it the way a father should.

I'm just curious, that's all.