Comments : Off the Wall: A Fly's Tale

  • 4 years ago

    by BlueJay

    I will write a more in depth comment later, ut I really want you to know I LOVE THIS!

  • 4 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    Being a fly on the wall is so overrated;
    though, I wish I didn't have to find out the hard way.

    - I would remove the comma after the word though.

    I wish I could escape this filthy room,
    filled with insecticides that dampen my dirty wings.
    You let me get close enough to a window or door,
    just to slam it in my face, and the gust always sends me flying
    into an even darker corner that takes hours to get out of.

    - really feel that slam in the face feeling, ouch. I look for things that aren't really in the poem but for me, here represents the bravery and guts that you use to get to that door/window and then they knock you back to the corner where you can't get back out because you have no bravery left.

    I think it's about time we end this game properly,
    since there's a draw every time.
    This isn't fun anymore, hasn't been,
    since I buzzed in your ears, weeks ago.

    -I would remove both the commas, the one after hasn't been and then the one after ears. I think this sentence flows okay as a whole.

    I must be a nuisance, if you keep swatting at me,
    but for some reason, you hesitate to finish me off,
    whenever I get stuck in those awful sticky traps.

    - again I feel there are too many commas here as they really should only be used to break the poem apart when needed or to separate two different parts to one sentence. I would only keep the one comma, after me in the first line and get rid of the rest.

    No matter how many times my compound eyes glaze over,
    you always manage to revive me, like magic...or something else,
    but it's been a month.

    - okay - so I really like this stanza because I like the the magic or something else bit. It adds a bit of mystery to it and leaves me to think of other reasons for the fly being revived. But I have a problem with the last line. I feel it just does nothing for the mood here and on its own it just states that it has been a month, without giving significant information about why you have stated this... if that makes sense?

    I won't last much longer, since I'm only a common housefly,
    and there's nothing you can do about it.
    So, I win.

    - I think if your meaning time house flys survive then it would be days and not months? If this is the case then you could edit it to read "it's already been a week" or "it's nearly been a week" However in doing this I would make it all one sentence...

    No matter how many times my compound eyes glaze over,
    you always manage to revive me like magic...or something else.

    It has nearly been a week and
    I won't last much longer since I'm only a common housefly.

    - I have removed the commas also as again I found it flowed a lot better without them.

    Anyway, these are just some of my thoughts and suggestions. I feel the angle you took of the poem was creative and you wording is great, just a few things that made me stumble. x

    • 4 years ago

      by Rusheena

      I have trouble with comma placement, and I always use too many. I may have got the wrong information about a fly's lifespan. All the sites I researched said that they could only last from 15 to 30 days, but I didn't want to use the word "weeks" again.

      I may keep the comma after "like magic" because I don't like the way it flows without one. I really need to work on my comma usage though because I obviously suck at it, lol. Thanks again. I really appreciate the constructive criticism.

  • 4 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    Being a fly on the wall is so overrated;
    though, I wish I didn't have to find out the hard way.

    - I would remove the comma after the word though.

    I wish I could escape this filthy room,
    filled with insecticides that dampen my dirty wings.
    You let me get close enough to a window or door,
    just to slam it in my face, and the gust always sends me flying
    into an even darker corner that takes hours to get out of.

    - really feel that slam in the face feeling, ouch. I look for things that aren't really in the poem but for me, here represents the bravery and guts that you use to get to that door/window and then they knock you back to the corner where you can't get back out because you have no bravery left.

    I think it's about time we end this game properly,
    since there's a draw every time.
    This isn't fun anymore, hasn't been,
    since I buzzed in your ears, weeks ago.

    -I would remove both the commas, the one after hasn't been and then the one after ears. I think this sentence flows okay as a whole.

    I must be a nuisance, if you keep swatting at me,
    but for some reason, you hesitate to finish me off,
    whenever I get stuck in those awful sticky traps.

    - again I feel there are too many commas here as they really should only be used to break the poem apart when needed or to separate two different parts to one sentence. I would only keep the one comma, after me in the first line and get rid of the rest.

    No matter how many times my compound eyes glaze over,
    you always manage to revive me, like magic...or something else,
    but it's been a month.

    - okay - so I really like this stanza because I like the the magic or something else bit. It adds a bit of mystery to it and leaves me to think of other reasons for the fly being revived. But I have a problem with the last line. I feel it just does nothing for the mood here and on its own it just states that it has been a month, without giving significant information about why you have stated this... if that makes sense?

    I won't last much longer, since I'm only a common housefly,
    and there's nothing you can do about it.
    So, I win.

    - I think if your meaning time house flys survive then it would be days and not months? If this is the case then you could edit it to read "it's already been a week" or "it's nearly been a week" However in doing this I would make it all one sentence...

    No matter how many times my compound eyes glaze over,
    you always manage to revive me like magic...or something else.

    It has nearly been a week and
    I won't last much longer since I'm only a common housefly.

    - I have removed the commas also as again I found it flowed a lot better without them.

    Anyway, these are just some of my thoughts and suggestions. I feel the angle you took of the poem was creative and you wording is great, just a few things that made me stumble. x