If you split both of the first two lines in half you're piece would have a little bit smoother flow and your style would show through a little more. The voice here is unmistakable and so many people can relate because love is the best emotional standpoint human beings are capabke of in these physical forms we have chosen. I really like the idea of this piece and the emotion. But I think it gets washed away and drowned out by so many others of its kind that are just as simple.
However the genuine perspective here is a remarkable difference and touch:) keep writing and I will keep reading