Comments : Allah Akbar

  • 4 years ago

    by Hellon

    It was Ramadan,
    and the whole family gathered
    on the ground waiting for Athan.


    I feel, by saying waiting for Athan it sounds like a person which, I know it's not so perhaps concider changing to "on the ground awaiting Athan"

    There were no appetizers,
    only a main course- white rice,
    although it actually looked black.


    I would put the last line in brackets because it's a thought?

    My father was a brown coat
    and a brown hat,
    hung on the wall to my left.
    Earlier this morning, he was thrown
    in prison by the Israeli authorities,
    for daring to leave Gaza
    without identification papers
    to the West Bank.


    This needs some changing?

    For daring to leave Gaza to the west bank without papers...something like that I think?

    My brother sat to the left of my mother,
    a picture in a wooden frame,
    young and beautiful,
    and barred with a black band
    on the upright corner.

    My mother sat across me, * across from me*
    her face wrinkled, and radiant,
    she was smiling wide although
    the airplanes were bombing
    our neighborhood. She said I was
    her only companion left in this house.
    She said I should always stay strong.

    Allah Akbar
    Allah Akbar

    As the Athan warbled through
    our hollowed ceiling, my ears hummed,
    my eyes sank in fiery light,
    and for more than ten seconds,
    I could feel nothing
    except my mother's limbs,
    flying across the room,
    landing on top of the main course -
    meatballs on white rice.

    Allah Akbar
    Allah Akbar
    La Ilaha Illa Allah

    Your ending was quite horrific but...I thing that's where you intended it to hit the reader...straight in the gut!

  • 3 years ago

    by Princess tamara

    Allahs amber I really like it