Simplistic and Beautiful

5/5

Sorry for the long wait on the comment, keep getting busy. anyways. as you know I love this piece from you, it is simplistic but it holds wonders in its message. The first line could be talking about a new breath and seeing things again for the first time. Or maybe something small that makes you really happy and rethink life or the happiness that eludes you inside. You see a small world inside these spheres, bubbles maybe? that's the only thing I can think of that it could be. I love how any simple thing can make anyone happy. The last line is perfect with this, even for a short time your small worlds carry tears away. Take all the happiness you can get. 5/5

Interesting point made by Senyru, I would never have thought of that had I not seen it in the comment he made, but I enjoyed reading it different ways.

But I also agree with Mayday, this poem is so short, simple, and yet it says so much in a beautiful way. Your title too is very clever, I hate titling my work, and especially to capture the same power in the title, as lies in your poem, but you have managed this greatly. So well done.

Interesting Senryu, and you were so smart to pick this title. Beautiful how we can pen such beauty with very little words.
It was nice to visit your page and read for you.

Who knew a sentence could be so powerful.

Okay a small nitpicky thing for me is the capitalized U in universe, I think it should not be uppercase, but that is just me. anyways,

You really do suck the reader in with this poem I feel, each line contributes with the last and you did a great job keeping it vague or metaphorical in poetry terms if you will. " A small breath of life" I feel is a great opening line, because it is opening you up to a new world so to speak- as in you are reborn like a phoenix and that small something is making your day go better or you feel more happy with what this object is. Its almost like you see it in the point of view of the object at hand.

The second line is great as well because first of all it fits the senryu pattern of syllables but it a noun you are speaking of an action to go long with the first line. This almost has a different point of view from the first line but somehow you make it all connect.

and for the last line, I love it for the sense that is goes well with the first line and you are carrying away all of your sadness and this one object has made you feel better about yourself. well crafted write!

Gravity is a passion of mine after I translate my gravity work id love you to read. But i love how i contrast the breath of life to a sphere, "its the easiest shape to make". Love it makes me think

Judging Comment:

Tiny senryu, magical message! Beautifully penned!

Human soul, life, - can defy gravity.... Lifting higher, and overcome any obsticle... Just a pretty piece of elegance!

Love the word choices here. In senryu form, I try and pick out the key word that makes the poem for me as the reader, and that word is crystal!

Delicate, beautiful and breathtaking! Made me think of a newborn , growing into and elderly soul- defying gravity! Love it!

This really is a magical little senryu from you. Excellent.
All the very best
Ben

Beautiful piece.
Take care
Cindy