Comments : Forlorn (Tanka)

  • 2 years ago

    by - Mr. Darcy

    Hello Ingrid,

    This is funny. I was watching how they built buildings on sand just yesterday. They drive wooden columns through the sand to the more solid ground beneath, then they build on top.

    Tanka form: 5,7,5,7,7 syllables

    Watching grains of sand
    ^
    Great imagery. I can almost feel grains of sand, their grainy, gritty feeling as I rub then between finger and forefinger. Syllable count 5

    as they slip through my fingers
    ^
    I mentioned this above. Each grain a minuscule mountain eroded over a millennium. Syllable count 7

    Unfit for building
    ^
    Like sinking sand, when you put weight on it the sand particles give way and sink whatever is on top. Syllable count 5

    Who needs castles anyway
    ^
    This reminds me of 'sandcastles' made with sand that is so fine they just collapse when you turn your bucket upside down and pat. Syllable count 6 - If you add the word sand to this line it will correct the count.

    in this cold, forsaken land?
    ^
    This line was intriguing for me. I was thinking sand as in desert, so unless this is a cold desert I am unsure where in the world this place is. Syllable count 7

    Well done Ingrid. Please put me out of my misery.

    Take care,

    Michael (((hugs)))

    • 2 years ago

      by Ingrid de Klerck

      Lol, Michael.

      Thanks for the beautiful comment, as always:)
      I do believe me syllable count is correct:
      who-needs-cast-les-a-ny-way (7)
      Right?
      The message is that I was trying to build something in the wrong place;0)

      (((hugs)))

  • 2 years ago

    by - Mr. Darcy

    ...lol - You are right. That just shows you how tired I am. Sorry! :O)
    (((hugs)))

  • 2 years ago

    by Ben Pickard

    I am no master like you two at form or syllable count, so I can just say what a wonderful little piece this is without having to get technical - ignorance is bliss! Well done Ingrid - syllables, schmillables!
    Sorry.
    Take care and all the best
    Ben

  • 2 years ago

    by GB

    It's amazing how we enjoy that hidden beauty within a sad piece. The title itself is more than attractive, and your lines broke my heart, you made it extremely picturesque, Ingrid and you have your special way with the poetry forms.

    Just wondering why to capitalize "Unfit", I also think this line needs full stop.

    Very adorable, Tanka. Thank you so much for sharing :)

    • 2 years ago

      by Ingrid de Klerck

      Thank you very much, dear Samia, for your suggestions, much appreciated:) xx

      Thank you, dear Ben. I am sure you would excel at formats also, if you put your mind to it. Have a look at Shadow Poetry.com and see for yourself :)

  • 2 years ago

    by PETER EDWARDS

    A simple, short poem, but an effective one.
    I liked it. Well done Ingrid!

  • 2 years ago

    by - Mr. Darcy

    Well done Ingrid,

    I could not be happier for you. Enjoy your time in the sun! (((hugs))) xx

  • 2 years ago

    by Hellon

    Congratulations on your win Ingrid...I feel it is long overdue as a lot of your poems, I feel, have been overlooked in the past. Enjoy your time in the lime light...you deserve it.

  • 2 years ago

    by Larry Chamberlin

    My sub-judge comment:
    The poem shouts sour grapes, but that is a shallow interpretation. The building blocks of time, sand trickling down the glass, build a sense of despair - too late, too little left, no hope of sustaining the bulwark of a legacy. This cold forsaken land is the sense of aging, fatalistic morbid drear of the final end. Castles are for the young who still have the capacity to fantasize that life is all there is.

    • 2 years ago

      by Ingrid de Klerck

      Thank you Michael and Hellon for your kind words, much appreciated! :)

      Larry, I was puzzled when I read the judge's comment on the messengers forum, but now I understand. It is great you got a personal meaning from my poem. I remember a few years ago, when my mum turned 65, how it affected her. She felt like her life was over. Had to do with my dad a lot as well, who always looked at very young women. You should see her now, though. Dad died and she now has a new boyfriend that adores her and makes her feel like the queen that she is!
      My friend Peter is 65 as well. He retired, but only to start a new career as a writer (he is the man in my avatar). So don't despair, Larry, life is what you make of it!

      About the poem: sometimes we are the only one left fighting in a relationship (forsaken land) whilst there is too little 'common ground' to make the relationship a succes anyway and we would do better to walk away and start anew.

      Thanks to whomever nominated my poem and thank you Larry for voting for it:)

  • 2 years ago

    by PETER EDWARDS

    Congratulations Ingrid! A well deserved win.
    As always, your poetry is excellent and inspiring!
    I found this poem so very touching to read, makes us 65 year olds reach out and grab all that life has to offer, rather than sink into a well of despair and unfulfillment!
    Not for me, allowing the shadows of darkness and sorrow to creep up on me as I go through my life, but instead, I reach out, and feel further inspired now by your poem Ingrid, as I embark on a new carreer and embrace further challenges ahead!
    Let's have more of your wonderful poems Ingrid, I can't wait to see the next one! Go girl, go!

  • 2 years ago

    by Darren

    Congrats Ingrid,

    love the last line.
    Such a sad ending.

    A clever write

  • 2 years ago

    by GB

    Congratulations Ingrid, very glad to see this :)

  • 1 year ago

    by BeautifulSoul

    Congrats on your win, this is such a powerful piece of writing in such few lines.

    "Watching grains of sand
    as they slip through my fingers--
    unfit for building."

    ^ These three lines are powerful to start the poem out with. And there is so much that can be said about them. The sand is the main part of the poem here and it is unfit for building, but why is that? It draws the readers attention well and makes you think. Did something happen? It is a great metaphor because you feel as the reader that something big is going to happen.

    "Who needs castles anyway
    in this cold, forsaken land?"

    ^ Wow these two lines are powerful within themselves. It could be saying that the land and the sand you are talking about here is a land of ruin and rubble. That was my first thought when I read this. Could it be your homeland, or war in general who knows. But I love the use of cold and forsaken here. They work well to explain the meaning behind the poem. They poem seems to be about sadness and the loss of a land and what war can really do. 5/5