Hayley, so sorry for you feeling this way. This cave of darkness is indeed cold and tough. I know exactly what you mean when you get into the state where you're not taking care of yourself or hoping for disease, just to justify your pain. This world knows sympathy for the physically ill but seem to disregard the mentally ill. If being alone in a far off country is what makes you feel even more like this, well I could say it gets better bla bla cause you'll make new friends bla bla. But that's not always the case, as I have experienced it myself. But know that in solitude you finally might have the opportunity to develop yourself. To find things that make you feel alive, despite the absence of human touch. To heal step by step. I only wish for you to be happy
I think this is my favorite kind of poem - the drunk, ramble-y ones where everything comes out a little raw and disorganized, and that somehow makes it all a bit more personal. it's beautiful and it feels honest and authentic, and i think most people who read this will experience a lot of these emotions along with you, in their own way, in their own world.
hope you're okay. post more rambles please, i think it's inspiring.