Comments : A Lover's test (Shakespearean sonnet) (HM)

  • 1 year ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Hello Michael

    You seem to have hit a real purple patch of form recently and this is no exception.
    I have read this a few times and think it is your best sonnet yet (from what I have read).
    I've written enough of them myself now to be able to say with some conviction that the syllable count and iambic pentameter is spot on. In all honesty, I am still not 100% convinced with the first line because I read glisten as being stressed with the 'glis' and that syllable should be unstressed here, but as you and I discussed, it often just depends on how you yourself pronounce it and/or read it. The only other suggestion I would make is that the comma after 'but' on line 10 is omitted as it disrupts the flow slightly or put it after 'how'. eg "But how, when love....." Up to you completely.

    As to the content, a true test indeed. What would we do if we awoke to our lover's transformation to a Zombie? (I couldn't help laughing at the "I ought to cut her head with razor sword" - real black humour) The final couplet is brilliant, dramatic and with the employment of "thee" just lends the whole piece a rather grand and great finish.

    Brilliant work, genuinely Michael. You and I both know how hard it is to write a sonnet and you've nailed it with this one. Maybe a collaboration on a sonnet one day? Interesting thought...
    I will nominate this on Monday but for now, I am out of votes already!

    take care and stay well,
    Ben

  • 1 year ago

    by Brenda

    Michael, only you could take zombies to task with a sonnet and be successful-awesome write! True testament of love-take care-Brenda

  • 1 year ago

    by Mayday

    Whoaa, that was definitely interesting! o.o
    I really really like this, like, I haven't read such a scenario before! Creative, smooth read, well versed.
    I just wish I could come up with things like this! ^_^

    5/5

  • 1 year ago

    by Em

    Michael, I'm glad you posted this on 'deeplydesturbes' piece as I read it when you posted but was working at the time so didn't have time to comment etc, so here I am :)

    I really like the zombie theme and it would be better to be zombies together than to live a life of pure misery, right? Reminds me of meat loafs 'i would do anything for love' for some reason. A wonderful sonnet, I can't comment on ip as I've not a clue about it lol.

    All the best and watch out for that zombie ;)
    Em

  • 1 year ago

    by - Mr. Darcy

    Thanks Em - on one hand becoming immortal has its pluses, but eating human brains is perhaps too much for this human's stomach to digest. lol

  • 1 year ago

    by Saerelune

    Hi Michael,

    Sorry for being a bit late with this, but here's a comment I made as a weekly judge back then:

    "Lots of rhyming/formed poetry this week, but I must say this one stood out to me due to its smoothness and humorous yet also romantic content. When I read the first few lines I was drawn in by all these questions, lamenting the persona's lover. I was truly confused when I came upon the line: "I ought to slice her head with razor sword", since I didn't realise that the death that came upon this lover was because of a zombie curse. Everything else was so romantic until I read that line, but it was a pleasant twist. "