Comments : Lordship Darkness

  • 1 year ago

    by IdTakeABulletForYou

    I commented on a poem of yours a long time ago (which is how I came upon your newest work), and I find that your writing and grammar (perhaps even my own understanding of both) have matured exponentially since I last read your work... at least in the first portion of this poem.

    The only blatant errors I noticed were "as the world run you down" should be "as the world runs you down", as well as the confusing lowercase start to the sentence post-period, "where their mother once stood," which should be "Where their mother once stood,". Also, I'm not too familiar with the term "smack" in context, but I feel it means anything from a "smidgeon" or a "small portion", to "wholly consumed by"- it could even be a literal, physical smack. In any matter, the grammatical construction of that sentence confuses me. I would throw an "a" right before smack, to read "with a smack of ignorance on her face." Perhaps even "smacks" instead of "a smack".

    My suggestion would be to try to strengthen the second to last verse, because everything before and after is strong and poignant, a piece I could spend hours poring over its intricacies and depth.

    Thank you for a great write, and aside from the errors I still believe it's worth a 5/5.

    V/r
    IdTakeABulletForYou

    • 1 year ago

      by DarkLight

      Thanks, Actually the word, is supposed to be smirk. I appreciate your insight.

  • 1 year ago

    by Em

    Another good write by you yet quite sombre. I know you have been through some hardships and I have faith you'll come through them.

    All the best, hope you're well.
    Em