Comments : Its Coming

  • 1 year ago

    by Bradley Peter

    Hello,

    I very much liked the concept of this. The tone of the piece was great. An eerie warning.

    However, I think this poem could be improved greatly. I think the flow was often caught out. Tightening up those syllables I think would really help the rhythm, and strengthen your story.

    I liked the story-telling aspect of it all, however, I think it was more interesting before the introduction of the friend and the picture.

    Having made these suggestions, I really liked the language you used and the rhymes you employed.

    'Believe me when I say that movement, that shadow you think you just caught
    Is not your imagination It is exactly what you thought'

    This is my favourite stanza - mainly down to the menacing chill of the second line - but at the same time, the first line I think is too long, and interferes with the enjoyment of the second.

    I would love to read a revised version of this, and I hope you do go for a second draft.

    Regards,

    Bradley

    P.S. Please comment and vote honestly on every piece you read.