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by Bradley Peter
I very much liked the concept of this. The tone of the piece was great. An eerie warning.
However, I think this poem could be improved greatly. I think the flow was often caught out. Tightening up those syllables I think would really help the rhythm, and strengthen your story.
I liked the story-telling aspect of it all, however, I think it was more interesting before the introduction of the friend and the picture.
Having made these suggestions, I really liked the language you used and the rhymes you employed.
'Believe me when I say that movement, that shadow you think you just caught
Is not your imagination It is exactly what you thought'
This is my favourite stanza - mainly down to the menacing chill of the second line - but at the same time, the first line I think is too long, and interferes with the enjoyment of the second.
I would love to read a revised version of this, and I hope you do go for a second draft.
P.S. Please comment and vote honestly on every piece you read.