I have to disagree with Suicide S*ut when she claimed that "all songs need to be heard not read so it's impossible to tell how good it is", because I think the lyrics are what makes the song. Sure, the tune is captivating, and moving, but its the words that give you the emotion.
Given the fact that I know the true meaning behind this poem, I have to say that it's perfect. And I think that if the particular person saw this, it might strongly impact them. Even if they didn't admit it, which they wouldn't. I think we've attempted getting a reaction before.
Anyways- the diction was excellent. The emotions you portrayed were beautifully thought out and expressed. I loved your metaphors, comparing the person to an "ABSENT angel", though I hardly agree that they are an angel anymore. But thats besides the point. The way you described every detail fit so perfectly. There were certain lines I read that made it hard for me to breathe.
Excellent job. Beautifully written.
Yes katie darling, I do agree that that person is hardly an angel anymore, and i'm glad you think that I described the whole story well, I was afraid I didn't say everything that I wanted to, but alright.
suicide s*ut, i do agree with you saying that my words were cliche, i was reading it over and thought so as well. As for the word 'crimson' yes I have been trying to use that less, it's lost it's imapct from overuse.
Thanks for the constructive critisizm, I appreciate it.
Firstly, if it is a song (and there was definitely that quality to it, or perhaps an angry lament) I'd love to hear the music. It gets dicey in the meter here and there, but there is enough raw emotion coupled with beautiful imagery to make this a wonderful poem.
"angel you did preach but tell me, where do broken souls fly
what if forsaken screams are not the last songs that escape my cry?"
I particularily loved those lines just because it shows the faithlessness you have in what death becomes. It also shows how you question where this absent angel has disappeared to, and why they haven't retured.
"how could you do such a thing as to leave me there to burn?
how could you watch a needing soul release the air they infernally yearned?
when you promised me the world then pretended to know me inside out
how could you forget my pain and act like we were nothing?"
What I admired mostly from this was the last line, accusing the absent angel of acting like EVERYTHING meant NOTHING. It portrays the betrayal you so beautifully express through out this masterpeice. It shows the grievance that this angel instilled in your heart because of their broken promises and failings to comprehend real pain, while in the midst of tricking you into believing they DID understand.
"So when i see you in the hall and by chance the shadows you miss
if once you see me staring from them, i hope that you know this
I'm not looking at you, I'm seeing through you
and I'm seeing nothing but hollowed shells"
I just like this because it explains what you're really doing. And should this absent angel see you staring, they'll know how you really feel, rather than trying to pride themselves in thinking that you still wish they were around, when in fact, when they see you looking, they should want to disappear beneath the shadows and be ashamed of themselves for the pain and hurt they've bestowed upon you.
- I know this is my second comment, but I just couldn't resist. I just love this. -
Thank you Katie, you don't knwo how much that means to me.
You interpreted everything in the piece EXACTLY the way I wanted it!
I'm so glad you understand this and that were going through it together because if I was alone with this MEMORY of what we had with our "angel" i don't knwo what I'd do.
12 years ago
great poem! i really love this! so beautiful and dark and creative! keep it up!
"When any word is used in the best context when you've seen that same word used before in a one that was lesser, it becomes wholly original again".
The anger was naturally potent, but to know you were angry and the wicked resentment you easily portrayed was a noteworthy accomplishment.
To choose any particular line for me would be nigh impossible, since when I think of it now during my comment, I think of the words emblazened in flame upon her breast; the accuser, the hurt, the angry...thrusting their livid content at their abuser
If I could have a list for favorite poems this sure would be on it! I love the word useage of this poem, angy and vivid. It captured me from the start and thats what made it in a league that alot of poets on here just havn't reached yet. And about the crimsion comment...I think when used in the right way it's not over played and used to often, but rather used properly and captivating. Sometimes over "cliche" words can be the right words. Just make sure you don't use them over and over again. I think I myself have used that word a time or two. But anyways this poem or song is really great and I don't think you should change a thing about it! I can't pick it apart and say oh you should change this, because each line is complelling and superb! Great Job!
All I can say is this is one of the best pieces of poetry I've ever read! I could feel your anger! I usually pick my favorite lines and reflect on them, but with this there are so many that I truly loved! The entire piece is pure brilliance...Holly