Comments : I wish, i love,i miss, i hate

  • 17 years ago

    by BrixGoesxRawr

    This was pretty good, It was really sad though. But, I really think you could do better. It's not that it's bad.. but you should put more emotion, more detail into what you're saying. So that we can actually see.. We can actually feel what you are trying to say.

    I wish that life were good
    I wish you were here
    I wish I never had to say
    Those very painful words

    ^ I can relate to this. Obviously, we can be able to say you're life isn't good..Because you straight forward told us. Instead of doing that.. let us conclude that. Describe how your life isn't good. Or exactly what you had to say to this person.

    I love you my dear
    I love the way you were
    I love the way you told me
    Even your worsted fear

    ^ The last line: Doesn't make sense. ''worsted'' is not a word. Maybe rephrase it to : your worst fears*.
    Again, show us these things.. Show us the way he was.. what he did. who he was, how he was. things like that. Just go into more detail about these things.

    I miss the way you held me
    I miss the way of your kiss
    I miss the way you trusted me
    And even the silly fights

    ^ Show us how he held you, the way he put his arms around you & how he kissed you.. Passionatley? softly? Show us that he trusted you.. Like telling you his deep darkest secret. etc.. Also, describe those silly fights. What were they about? I would really love to hear. :]

    Maybe tell us WHY he left. His reasons, or if you left him.. Your reasons. I liked it. But I just think you could to a lot better. I know you have the talent. Just go into more detail about everything.. Instead of just straight out telling us. Make us feel everything that you were feeling when you wrote this poem. It'd make your poems so much more. We'd have to conclude about things.. From what you say. Like, with this poem.. All I can conclude is that you loved him. A lot. But, there's more to it than that. & I know you can do it if you try.

    This was pretty good though. I hope that I helped & didn't seem mean ;/ I wasn't trying to come off that way. I just know that you are talented & can do better!

    Good write. I still give you a 5/5. Keep it up, hun. :] Maybe try my advice some time? & I will deffinitley come back and read more.

    Bri x

  • 17 years ago

    by David

    The imagination in this poem was so intense. The poem was so real that I felt I was in it, experiencing it.

    you need to take the ' out of the last para. to help it flow well.

    Thank you for sharing this with us. Bravo!

    5/5 David