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Your poem is straight up and to the point, something most poets are striving for, your not as rough around the edges as you think.....find your flow which i think you already did but you haven't realized it yet.
Damn this is tight im adding to faves
by Shawn Robertson
If you're truly just starting out, then I would say you have a knack for poems. I thought this one flowed well and was all around good, so keep up the good work :D.