Ah...wow!
That has to be my utmost favourite of your work so far, though i havent read alot lately.. That imagery...the beautiful lack of terrible cliches... A few spots where the rythym and tense didnt quite flow, and making it rhyme at the end was a bit... I don't know. I'd like to say take away the rhyme...but you couldnt change any of those words...they were all needed and perfect...a great piece.

-Lenny