Comments : Friends For Never

  • Omg, I really loved your poem. It seems like a friendship that didn't last. The flow was really nice and I loved it. I loved the way you put the title on this poem.You should read my "I Don't Love You No More." It's not a friendship poem, but it's a creative way to do a poem. Definately on my favs!!! Great job 5/5

    <mOnStRiTo'S pRiNcEsS>

  • 9 years ago

    by Bret Higgins

    The meter, 11 syllables per line, is very awkward. It stumbles flow and breaks up any AB AB pattern to the stanza structure.

    The first stanza makes no sense in a historical fashion. It's very confusing and I really think you should re-write it.

    I'll give you a little help here:

    All the pain that put me through this very day
    Only multiplied as the years and months flew by.

    The rhyme on the first line is unimportant, so let the idea flow.

    All of the pain that you put me through today
    Added to the months and years, time aching by.

    It's still stuttered because of the syllable count (making the count even makes for a much more even tempered flow)

    One by one pieces of my heart fell and sink
    Just like pedals on a rose that wilt and die.

    This half of the stanza is much better, only there is a spelling mistake and sink is the wrong tense.

    One by one pieces of my heart fell and sank
    Just like petals on roses that wilt and die.

    Only a slight change to ease the flow a little.

    Reading the rest of the piece I am seeing the same problems but don't worry, it's fixable.

    Read each stanza out loud to yourself. This will help you get a feel for the flow of the poem and should highlight the more stilted areas of the poem.

    Rewrite each line twice. Think about how you can change the beat of how the line is read aloud and how words work together in different orders.

    The idea is good, the title is inspiring but unfortunately I think the layout is the poem's ultimate downfall. If you work on this you can turn a good idea into a solid poem.

    Bret

  • 9 years ago

    by Wings Of Flames

    Its a good concept but i didnt like the style. sorry about that.
    4.5 for the originality.

    keep on truckin

  • 9 years ago

    by Jenni Marie

    "It was for my own good that she shot me down.
    As if I deserved the backstabbing, stupid lies.
    It gets old to hear the same comforting comments
    And all the same cover-ups and the little alibis."

    ^^Favourite stanza. I was reading that and was like how many people can relate to this? I bet it's a lot.

    I liked how you used the ...lines, I thought those added a very powerful overall effect on the whole piece.

    Flow is flawless throughout the piece, and I thought this was beautifully written.