Hi Jane :)
thank you for reading through and your comments in regards to my thread of life :)
Okay - every turnaround comes with a long story behind it, I will make this brief which I'm sure you will get. The end of my addiction, has been the forefront of altering the way I chose to live (literally). I truly experienced 'Rock bottom', which I thought I was in many times, however this time had a few knock-on effects, which took me to as far as I could go. Now I feel that these things happened for a reason (I am a man of fate), to really have to make a decision to live or not. with the support of my wonderful sister, and a great friend of hers being a Therapist, I chose to live, fight and hope I got through. The emotional cost always outweighs the financial cost. But all has to be dealt with. My journey continues on now and I will continue with therapy, and mindfulness for how ever long.
A lot of the journey has been deep-exploration into childhood. The damage caused, cannot be erased, so I am left to understand why for years my behavioural patterns were, what they were. It really comes down to understanding the 'child' in me and love, learning to open up my awareness and the triggers to behavioural patterns, and of course the will-power to stop! so the last three years have been so precious in terms of living alone, stopping addiction and learning to be compassionate to myself and love.... and on-going. But Jane I feel happier with myself, than I have ever done, and of course this reflect on relationship that have not worked out. Its about forgiving myself, and others (not easy :) and letting go :)
I believe Jane that we are born who we are for life. The experiences we encounter, have profound effects on us as we grow-up, and so on. But our core is our core, the centre of us, that is a constant I feel. as a child, we have very little control over anything, we are so open and at our most vulnerable. I am not saying that what we see, or experience is what we will do in life. For example, my mother and father never smoked and hated smoking, but I smoke/vape, however some behaviours are learned, and acted out later in life, its all so difficult really and sad in some cases.
I real feel that at 50 years old, I am not changing as a person. all that has happened right to this second, has happened, however for me to live a better, healthier life, changes have to be made in terms of behaviour, and what has damaged me, I am learning to manage. This takes a lot to understand, and a lot of exploration and of course support. We really are only accountable and responsible for ourselves, when it comes down to it. It is about making a choice at one time, and the results follow that decision, but we will never know until we live through it. then we may have to re-direct ourselves with counter-decisions so to speak. But we can never change what's happened to us, but from experience manage ourselves as best we can to avoid the consequences- I hope this makes sense Jane, as I waffle as I write. It makes sense to me, but then I have a little dyslexia on-going :)
Haha- great question. I have so many scrap-books lying around, along with the backs of old birthday cards and pieces of paper :). I do love pen and paper, I am an old-school kind of chap. Technology is really not my game. I write poems on e-mail and send them back to my other email into a folder 'Michael's poems' haha! I am happy with this system, but I'm sure people think I'm mad :)
Thank you Jane, great thought-provoking questions