Dunno. The first couple of lines are okay, but the ending is a little weak. I'll have to fix that, eh?! ^.^

I actually wrote this for a guy that I really like. I wrote No More Fish for him too.

"take my breath away" is usually used in the positive sense, but here it almost seemed negative. Not sure if you meant it that way or not. None the less, I think the ending was fine. Little more work on the body though.

I wanted to use 'take my breath away' in a sense of death, but also in a positive way, too. When we 'fell in love' in the beginning of the poem, he took my breath away and in dying he's also taking it away because he's gone. I can't really explain it, but that's the best way for me to say it.

"i want to lay my head on your chest
And fall asleep with a smile on my face"
that was my favorite part. i loved it. its so cute and sweet<3