Well, this is one of your first, so i guess it's to be expected, Its just.. The lines are SO long. And I cannot seem to find any sense of a flow or rhythm here at all. Not trying to be rude here, I just.. I can't really comment on this. The lines are far too long and there is no format at all, this is kind of a mixed, misplaced set of emotions here. I can't really make much of it, I'm sorry. I wish I could be more help, I really do, I don't mind commenting at a latter time, maybe after analyzing it more, i just.. this would take some time to even read.
Sorry again.