HEI BABY
NICE ONE

Thnx Baby

When I met you for the first time
I can't say anything, not even a rhyme
^^^
I would omit the I in the second line.
Second line can't ----> couldn't
You have expressed in these two lines the feeling one gets when first meeting someone, tongue tied and unable to talk .... Excellent expression!

You are just so beautiful that I couldn't resist
But you dont even know that I exist
^^^
Hurts so deeply when we want to be noticed yet feel invisible.

You gave me full of joy and happiness in my heart
I'll love you forever and if were together we will never fall apart
^^^
This part read a little awkward to me ...
Perhaps ....
If you can let joy and happiness fill my heart
I'll love you forever, together we'll never fall apart

Every time I slept, I always dream about you and me
Spending our time together and sharing what we can see
^^^
I like the feel of this part and it speaks so clearly ... just give us a chance.
Few minor changes I would make ....

While sleeping, always dreaming about you and me
Spending our time together and sharing what we can see

When I wake up I always pray the same prayer
Hoping that you and me will be fully together
^^^
The rhyme pattern you had going seems to ... throw off the piece here, where there is no rhyme.
Perhaps ....
Waking up, always praying the same prayer
Hoping and wishing that you will be there

I'll always love you until my death
I'll always be there for you even after my last breath
^^^
This part is precious and speaks the love the lives in your heart.

I would shorten it a little to give more effect to the reader.
Perhaps ...

I'll always love you until my death
Be there for you until my last breath

I will read more of your work over the weekend hun. PM me if there are any others in particular you would like commented/critiqued.

Nice read penned from the heart!
Luanne

THANX LUANNE

I love this.....nice....= )

Thnx everyone..=)

This is sad but cute at the same time...ur really good!

Thanks