Comments : I see in this world, no place for me

  • 15 years ago

    by Cara

    I really enjoyed this piece.. you spoke of a very common problem in todays society.. of feeling like you dont belong, like there isnt a place for you in this huge world. The flow was quite good i thought and overall it was a good write. Short, but you didnt need to the extra lines.
    5/5

  • 15 years ago

    by Gem

    "I cut corners and lines into my skin
    But the pain I hold goes much further in

    The first line i loved, "corners and lines" a much more orginal way of saying cuts. Nicely done

    "All this hurt and emotion won't go away
    So I drink, and I drink all through the day"

    I liked this line too, a lot of feeling, althought the fouth line seemed a bit off, maybe "So i drink and i drink thoughout the day?"

    "And I take pill, after pill, just to feel numb
    I look in the mirror, see what I've become"

    I would take out the 'and' altogether in this couplet as it reads fine without it. Lovely rhyming.

    "But I dream of change, of being free
    But I see in this world, no place for me"

    Hmm.. not too keen on the repetition of 'but'. Maybe starting with "I dream of change, dream of being free" It flows onto the next line so much more easily.

    Overall, i really liked this. The hidden feelings and metaphors you used were spot on.

    Well done

    5/5
    *Gem*

  • 15 years ago

    by Gem

    Excellent =))

    You have some major talent going on here =)

    *Gem*