Comments : Blood Relations

  • 15 years ago

    by H E Losey

    I agree with most of the above comments as at times you seem to have forced your rhyme and disrupt the rythm. You might think of postscripting definitions for words such as "trine" and "wrying", being old I could understand but not all will and they would lose the context.

  • 15 years ago

    by Lonely Rider

    Hey this is an excellent write...

    "I watched silently, teary eyed
    As my wife and kids cried
    My lifeless body rested in the spotless coffin
    Nothing could be done now, I sighed "

    ^^ the first stanza itself held my attention..
    very well written..

    the description of brother, son and wife are amazingly done..
    and very true.. ya sometimes even blood relations betray..

    "Who says spirits have no emotions they can't feel
    To hold back my tears so hard I was trying"

    ^^ very touching... I could feel the hurt..the frustation of knowing that
    someone close had betrayed...beautifully picturized..

    "People always told me 'Even blood relation betray'
    'How can blood be so impure?!' I used to say
    I know now, maybe Iam a slow learner
    My blood was thirsty for money and I fell into prey! "

    ^^ these lines are so very true... and the last line..

    "My blood was thirsty for money and I fell into prey! "...

    is simply brilliant...

    great work...loved this work..

    one suggestion.. in the middle paragraphs you could have used better metaphors or
    better words...

    but still this is an excellent write..

  • 15 years ago

    by Goth marionette

    The title attracted me to read the poem and I liked the idea of the poem a lot..It's really true..
    Good job,keep it up..