Comments : Hypnagogic

  • 11 years ago

    by 0oAshleyo0

    This is really good and i liked how it was free verse!
    great job sweetie!

    XxAshleyxX

  • 11 years ago

    by she

    I love free verse!

  • 11 years ago

    by NyellMoonlight

    First off, I really like this piece, it is so intense and captivating. I can relate to this poem in a way, especially with the last stanza.

    I think that you should revise the punctuation in the first stanza.

    Mollify the ache of a fractured soul,
    bring back together what was once had,
    inimical dreams of a heart still whole.
    Parlous are your violent stained lips.
    ^^^
    I think that it should be like this because the full stops at the end of every line ruin the flow a bit because when you read it with commas, pauses between the lines are shorter. The last line holds very powerful image and it sounds good a bit separated from the rest of the piece so the full stop works well at the end of the third line.
    Other than that, this is very effective introduction to this piece, very powerful and greatly written.

    - You're falling,
    faster than your brain can comprehend.
    Floating in nothing.
    Not crashing or landing.
    Just existing.-
    ^^^
    Change of rhythm within this stanza is effective. Whole stanza is creative and very refreshing, it holds remarkable atmosphere.

    - A heart that is impassible cannot love.-
    ^^
    The fact that you wrote this separately from the rest of the poem highlighted greatness of this line. Very deep.

    - Gasp for air, you're going under,
    drowning in ink, that saved your life.
    Clutch tight to the hand outstretched,
    let the soporific voice sing you to sleep.-
    ^^^
    This is my favorite stanza, I love every line. I can deeply relate to this. Whole stanza holds an amount of excellently expressed, overwhelming and certainly memorable emotions.

    Overall, excellently done, 5/5 from me.

    You should certainly write more free-verse poetry.

  • 11 years ago

    by BrokenREALiTy

    You don't really write free verse, huh? Wonder how much more brilliant your pieces would be if you started writing more free verse ...

    Psh, you look like you've been writing free verse MUCH longer than many people on this site, and me put together. Jeez.

    Your word choice is captivating -- it's so intense, these short lines in your second stanza. It's like, they're so simple but you still have to catch your breath. You start out so strong, and then it changes tone -- kind of like life :) Different pace, but same effectiveness.

    That single line in the middle of the piece alone sticks out so much, and leads to my most favourite stanza of the piece: the last. It's dark. Hehe, every line is just so ... refreshing. Drowning in ink, huh? Well I felt like I was drowning in your words -- in a good way . If that's possible. xD It's so haunting. A beautifully penned dark piece.

    ..__MiNDYY

  • 11 years ago

    by StandStill

    Wow. I'm pretty much stunned. For somebody who doesn't write free verse often, this was beautiful.. The vocabulary and flow were lovely, which is hard to find in free verse poems, sometimes. it just was breathtaking..

    Gasp for air, you're going under,
    drowning in ink, that saved your life.
    Clutch tight to the hand outstretched,
    let the soporific voice sing you to sleep.

    ^^ This was, by far, my favorite bit. I adore the second line. It's highly relatable for me, bceause i drowned for so long in my poetry...and at the same time, it was what sustained me and kept me alive. that's what i got out of that line. *nods*

    wonderful job, m'dear. 5.5

    ~ Gabby

  • 11 years ago

    by Michelle18

    This free verse poem is really good for being your first.. i think you did a great job.. from beginning to end. but i have to say the ending was my favorite part. great job. 5/5 keep it up!

  • 11 years ago

    by stillmomsgirl

    Wow you don't write much freeverse? i would have never known.
    i wouldn't change a thing in this poem,

    "Floating in nothing.
    Not crashing or landing.
    Just existing."

    ^^LOVE THIS!!!
    5/5
    ~Toni~

  • 11 years ago

    by RObC

    Well I must agree with the other comments your poetry is captivating I will defiantly have to read more.

  • 11 years ago

    by reJoyce

    Wow very unique write. i didnt even know a few of the words :] i really like the part about "just existing" life feels like that sometimes. beautiful ending

  • 7 years ago

    by Kelin Hurt

    I like the title of the poem. I've never see anything before I fall asleep.