Comments : A Closed Eyes Dream

  • 12 years ago

    by H E Losey

    Thought it was a pretty interesting read though parts didn't seem to fit. This could be a difference in language use between UK and USA.
    Okay, first "you" should be "your", "ones" perhaps "one's", sixth line "the craves" may haps "driving", last line "a" to "your". Not really sure about the possessive form of "one". At times wordiness hurts the rythm for me at least. As always just an opinion.

  • 12 years ago

    by NyellMoonlight

    Honestly, I love this. Amazingly written poem from the beginning to the end. You pulled me in with interesting first stanza and kept my attention to the end. What impressed me here the most is your choice of words, it is truly remarkable. Also, this poem is very original, it's different from anything I've read on this site before, very refreshing. You created great flow from the beginning to the end, too.
    Overall, I think that this is very creative piece of poetry, profound and captivating.
    I like the title, too, it's eye-catching.

    I've read the whole poem twice and tried to find favorite lines to highlight in the comment but every stanza is equally amazing.

    Keep up!
    5/5 from me

  • 12 years ago

    by Sean

    I don't struggle with the 'you'. i struggle with the 'doth' it just seems a bit, out of place considering the contemporary style of the poem - you might of meant some special meaning, i might be thick.

    i really enjoyed this, quite beautiful. especially the closing lines.

  • 12 years ago

    by H E Losey

    I read the comments by "The Tasteless" and then your poem, I stay with my original words. I think "re-collating" does fit. Proper word usage is important! Inside and closed are not opposites(?), it reads well.

  • 12 years ago

    by eehcuhhhz

    I don't understand the first stanza, second line.

    Abstracting the real world?
    I understood that the part of that line, though.

    There were a lot of metaphors in this.
    It took me a while to understand some parts of it.

    Third stanza, what does ambition have to do with it?

    Surrealistic clash of a frame of ones mind.
    A collection of memories saved up over time.

    I know it wasn't meant to be,
    But I thought it was pretty funny.
    That part right there makes me.
    I am a complete clash.
    ahahaha.

    I love your ending.
    Although I pictured someone dying.
    Discovering your fate.
    Meaning to me, what everyone's fate is.
    Death.

    All in all.
    I like that you made it short.
    If it wasn't, it would've taken me an hour.

    Like I said, there were a lot of metaphors in here.
    I don't think there are a lot of "you"s in there.
    I didn't even notice it.

    5/5

  • 12 years ago

    by Jaymes Haze

    'A door does close, yet another opens invitingly wide.
    Abstracting the real world, your taboo thoughts? Liberalized.'

    There's something about the second line, the fact that it's techinically two lines kind of breaks the flow for me.

    'Subconsciously re-collating, hmmm 'De Ja Vu'?
    Has it been done before? Or is it ambition the craves you.'

    The 'hmmm' displeases me, I would've prefered to see something more like, 'Is this de ja vu?'
    The question mark in the middle of the second line breaks the momentum of the second and is unneeded.

    'Surrealistic clash of a frame of ones mind.
    A collection of memories saved up over time.'
    Just thought I'd be a lil simple and just say I like this stanza.

    'Do you control ones mind? Maybe it controls you?
    Giving physiological impacts, that help you understand what to do.'
    I would prefer to see the question mark replaced with a colon.

    'A dream; An imagination exploring ones inner state.
    Waking up in the morning and discovering a fate.'
    I see these two lines as something I think of inferring in much of my work that I am working on.
    Your dreams which can present with a perfect world, but when you open your eyes it turns out to be quite the lie.

    This is generally a good poem, just needs minor grammer fixing.

  • 12 years ago

    by Rachel RTVW

    I think there are too many you's, I also don't like the use of hmmmmm in a poem. I do think the poem was creative although the flow could use some tweaking too. I think you did a decent job on it. It could be a lot better if you use some of the suggestions you've received.