Comments : Lost in This Verse

  • 14 years ago

    by LostLikeTearsInRain

    Wow, that was very well written. Haha, makes me feel like such an amateur =/. Keep up the good work!

  • 14 years ago

    by Nix

    -These eager words will never escape my lips,
    Just as my heart will never avoid your feet.
    (Touch me with your damaged words;
    I'm not telling you to fix me.)-

    ^Very interesting part, is is quite original and from the first line I could feel a lot of emotions in the whole stanza. It honestly captivated my attention.

    -Dance these lines across my lips,
    (Your presence clots the air I'm breathing.)
    In this verse I've surrendered poise,
    For these stars will never blush again.-

    ^Word -dance- in the first line made that picture truly unique. Rest of the stanza is also very refreshing, your description is I must say vivid and remarkable, great choice of combinations of words.

    -[[Swear to me...]]-

    ^This could ruin the whole atmosphere, but it didn't at all, you made excellent rhythm with this, some kind of great pause and tone slowed down excellently, all in all impressionable for line short as this.

    -You'll seize these fading images,
    For the faintest trace infects my chalk-drawn eyes.
    Fuse them with these upset tears,
    (They're dampening my ragged cries.)-

    ^Whole part posses incredible mix of beauty and sadness, I like the fact that you continued to build atmosphere on the same way as in the first two stanzas, anyway I like this a lot.
    Though I have one little critique, I think that you used too much of -these-, you have that in each stanza and on some places it was truly unnecessary to use this word.

    -Scrape these wounds with salted claws,
    I swear to you, your name is the one I'll scream.
    Just promise me, you'll trap these shattered stars,
    (Now will you make me beautiful?)-

    ^First of all you amazed me! Wow! Ending is absolutely impressing, whole stanza, you greatly inwrought emotions into this vivid picture.
    You again have to -these-
    I think that you should edit this and separate ending line of the stanza of
    -©20080528 Mindy Huang-
    Because like this this seems as the fifth line.
    Anyway so powerful ending!

    I congrats you on writing this poem, I will put it into my favorites, brilliant work all in all!

  • 14 years ago

    by Lonely Rider

    Very well written...
    like the way you have stuctured your poem

    'Dance these lines across my lips,
    (Your presence clots the air I'm breathing.)
    In this verse I've surrendered poise,
    For these stars will never blush again.'

    ^^ wow.. loved it...

    the ending is even more beautiful...

    great write..

  • 14 years ago

    by NyellMoonlight

    First off, I have one suggestion for the ending line: I think that it would have better flow if you write it like this:
    - (Now, will you make me beautiful?)-
    or
    - (Will you make me beautiful now?)-
    I suggested these because the whole piece had such flawless flow and the last line, although it's greatly written, ruined it for me a bit.
    Other than that, I deeply enjoyed in this piece. I like your writing style. You managed to create very original atmosphere and I can relate to this poem in a way which made it even more powerful for me. Every stanza has profound, greatly written lines. I like your choice of words from the beginning to the end and honestly admire details and descriptions within every line.

    - (Touch me with your damaged words;
    I'm not telling you to fix me.)-
    ^^^
    This is breathtaking, so effective.

    - Scrape these wounds with salted claws,
    I swear to you, your name is the one I'll scream.
    Just promise me, you'll trap these shattered stars,-
    ^^^
    These are my favorite lines, they're so amazing in so many ways. Truly memorable and haunting in a way, vivid and excellently worded.

    All in all, greatly done.
    5/5

  • 14 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    I don't really think there are many words I could express to explain this poem. It was beyond amazing and I enjoyed it sooo much. I realize [I think] you took one of my titles I put up in the Group Titles.. Keep using them if you'd like. :] They definatly get the juices flowing. Wow. I've gotta tell you.. This is a really good poem. I don't think theres much I can say! 5/5

  • 14 years ago

    by eehcuhhhz

    Just as my heart will never avoid your feet.

    I don't quite understand that line.

    I kinda thought of...

    A person being obsessed with feet.

    Alright.

    I LOVE how you got into the mind of someone crying.

    They're not thinking properly.
    Their thoughts jumbled up.

    One thing their thinking about this.
    Crying.
    The next they're thinking about something else.

    Althogh it seems, like different poems.
    All fit into one.

    Like.
    Where did the beautiful fit in?

    It took me a while, though..

  • 14 years ago

    by Finalgravedigger

    YOUR LAST STANZA I LOVED IT SO MUCH, it really captivated i cant express how much i loved it. So much orginality and ideas in your poems keep writing im so adding you to my favorites your one awsome poet 5/5^^

  • 14 years ago

    by Blissful

    Amazing. I loved different this was and interesting to read. You weren't straightforward with your meaning which made me even more into the poem to try and analyze what was hiddent behind your wonderful choice of words. Everything just fit together nicely and I could tell you put careful thought and time and behind this piece. The flow was as always flawless and the truth behind it shown. The structure was great and something a lot of people try to write but don't succeed. The ending was interesting and I am still trying to figure it out but it worked.

    Well done.
    *5/5*

  • 14 years ago

    by BeautifulxMess

    Very well done, not as good as the
    other one I read. And not your best,
    I've seen better from you. But still not
    bad but not great. But still you are an
    amazing poet. :)
    <3Tay
    5/5

  • 14 years ago

    by Kaila

    Wow...I can't critique this poem because I want to steal it from you and call it my own (dont worry i wont do that:) but this poem was utterly amazing it was just phenomenal. All the vocabulary you used, and the images were so raw and I just loved it!

    Scrape these wounds with salted claws,
    I swear to you, your name is the one I'll scream.
    ^^
    I loved those lines UH! amazing! adding this to my faves
    5/5

  • 14 years ago

    by Lizaveta

    I think i get the meaning. you are asking a person not to fix you or change you to what he wants, but with him you feel different from what you are usually..
    it's hard to explain in words, but you manged to get this feeling through bright images:
    the dance metaphor impressed me.. i like how you mix poetry and movements in the poem:
    Dance these lines across my lips <-one of my fav lines
    and in stanzas 3 and 4 there are images of eyes and stars. pretty common, but not in the way you combine them:
    Just promise me, you'll trap these shattered stars

    this poem is not that easy. it makes you think before you get the hidden meaning, and still there are doubts-and it's great: it makes you try to understand what the images mean, and the general atmosphere of the poem helps understand it.

    5/5