Edit again but in the end i read it again and just skimmed over the messy bit. and i did love how it was like a story. it flowed well but for some reason the second line just stumpted me. its correct but my brain thinks that you say something else. and in poetry you don't really want that. or not in this particular circumstance.

i did like it, well done. keep writing cause so far these are amazing!
5/5 david