Uhm ok i like this one you used anothe way to express it is ok , !!
ok ,
i like it ,

jsut you need to work more on teh rhyming , it is making the poem weak !!

but ti si a good enough one

Poems arent about ryhming.
its about expressing... if it expresses itself well, it doesnt need ryhiming to back it up, i look at a poem in three different ways, i look at its ryhimg by itself, the epression by itself, and the imagry.

I wasent even trying to ryhme, those words jsut came to me. they were no effort in ryhming ability.