Comments : Immortal Man

  • 11 years ago

    by Yeka

    Awsome love it (^_^)

  • 11 years ago

    by Blissful

    "You're the depressing tail of an immortal man"
    ^ I think you mean "tale"

    Wow Jen...amazing. So dark and captivating! The flow here was just flawless and they imagery blew me away. Nothing left to say but that I loved it. Well done. *5/5*

  • 11 years ago

    by Amber

    O wowww
    Veryyy descriptive. THat was sooo good. Especially Since I could imagine it. And the rhyimg every line was good too it added to it.

  • 11 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    This poem is soo deep, dark, whatever. It's amazing though. I have never read a poem with such a wonderful flow in my entire life. This poem deserves to be nominated. Perfectly written. It paints a clear image in my mind when I read it. Very well done. 5/5!

  • 11 years ago

    by Travis

    this is amazing jenster
    i loved the first stanza, it really grabs the readers attention

  • 11 years ago

    by - Mr. Darcy

    Jen, I will comment on this as I read, so excuse me if I make no sence at all :/

    The night betrays the day as you betray the dead.
    You continue on living with a bullet in your head.
    You're not a vampire, nor zombie, not even a ghost,
    but whatever you are you're what I fear the most.
    A condradiction to start this poem, great! An entity, who is no known monster, but who should be dead, a thing who defies all science and sci -fi too *scratches head* A great image too, a thing so impervious that it can survive with a bullet lodged in its brain, its nerve centre!! Wow!!!!

    Walking amongst the shadows, touching every grave
    thinking of each corpse and the life they gave.
    Yet you continue to walk, with your abused skin.
    I question if you're an angel or a spawn of sin.
    The imagery is great here too. Eerie graveyard dead beneath its feet, it is like its confused too, to why it should still live? Surely the dammed (if thats is what it is) deserve to die sometime? The last line rocks...spawn of sin - yeah, I love it!!!

    Your body, a history, of anguish and pain.
    Out of all things crazy, you seem rather sane.
    Though troubled, with depression in your eyes,
    you make it alone, with no family ties.
    Now this seems to hit home, a little too close. I feel you know this person too well, don't you Jen?

    Sometimes I feel sorry for the creature you are;
    you could bleed forever and it'd just be a scar.
    I don't know of your age, you seem an immortal man.
    Your appearance is nothing compared to your life span.
    Confusion again, led off the sent :(
    Maybe you are describing depression as a male demonic force?

    On your wrists I see gashes, an attempt to end it all,
    but for some reason death won't take your call.
    You're the depressing tale of an immortal man
    who tries to take his life in any way he can.
    Death is a solution, but it can also act like the Holy Grail, so near but so far out of reach.
    They say the good die young, but there again i know lots of older people who have huge hearts and they still live to rock!!

    A mysterious dark write that I don't thiink I completely got to grips of, but hey it was really good to read and comment on.

    I have always admired your work, your rhyme and meter are superb - I appreciate these things and look for them in other peoples work :)


  • 11 years ago

    by Rachel RTVW

    Way too many I's and you's and filler words. Thought provoking concept, but you need some editing. Make the most of each word, remove the unnecessary ones. It has potential.

  • 11 years ago

    by tigerdan

    Powerful, yet very chilling. It brings me strong emages in my mind, good job!

  • 11 years ago

    by Lauren

    I love it. It's dark but brilliant. Great Imagery!! It flows really well also.