You seem to work well with a lot of statements. Thats good but the draw back you need to include your reader. Reading the other one I think if you give up more of a human element the work would be a lot better. Tell how the characters feel breath life into the people in the poem once you do that I am sure you will see the difference. Plot121

Thanks for ur suggestions rikki i guess u are right... anyway i have to edit now..actually it will help me bout that suggestions coz sometimes its hard for me to make poetry so there are times i just follow whats in my mind... thanks again.