This is a start. you seem to split up sentences just to make it fit a ryhme. maybe a little different wording would help. just think about it. other wise pretty good

I thought this was really good! i like it alot. good job!!!!!

Me like it. just a lil work on the words n the flow was good. but it was good. i like it. =)

take care,
Frenchy

I don't know why this is rated so low, I really enjoyed this.
Your vocabulary is great and the meaning is wonderful. The small bits of repetition you used were very effective and I just generally like everything about this poem. It's all original, especially the last line, I find.
Great work, 5/5

jess ~