Comments : Memorial

  • 11 years ago

    by Anon

    Ah, you're back :). Yet another good poem. Great to read.

  • 11 years ago

    by Finalgravedigger

    A good poem, i really liked the first stanza it set the mood

  • 11 years ago

    by Teria

    When I comment a poem I go the whole nine yards, and I have to say that it was hard to do so with this one. It was almost perfect. And, minus TINY, MINOR changes it was. I absolutely loved this poem. It has good meaning and great emotion within it. Usually I make changes stanza by stanza. As you can see the first stanza isn't even listed below because there wasn't enough to change (the commas, which is noted at the bottom.. there was one or two of those). The second stanza was but one word. And, the last had no word changes whatsoever. And, the flow of this entire poem was absolutely on track (minus one line).

    Whispering memories blow through the trees
    Swaying gently in the calm evening breeze
    Setting the wanderers minds at ease
    Remember who they lost their lives to save.

    [Whispering memories that blow through the trees.
    Swaying gently in the calm evening breeze.
    Setting the wanderers minds at ease.
    Remember who they lost their lives to save.]

    Comments: As you can see all I changed in this was the first line, added 'that'. It just made it flow better to me. The last line kind of threw me off ... dealing with the flow, it's like "who they lost their lives to save" kind of idk, it needs an extra syllable but I wasn't sure how to work it in. It's fine how it is, but it did kinda set me off a bit while reading.

    Silent, sincere, uniformed and dire
    Simple minds, with hatred to inspire
    Courage and determination I can only admire
    As I live, I remember those who lay in their grave.

    [Silence, sincere, uniformed and dire.
    Simple minds with hatred to inspire.
    Courage and determination I can only admire,
    As I live I remember those who lay in their grave.]

    Comments: Usually if I don't have to make WORD changes I don't leave the stanza in there, but I did with this one. I've noticed you have way too many commas in your stanzas, this one was the worst I think. Therefore, I took a few out and left it to show you were they should be taken out. Just a few other places in the poem and it'll be all good.

  • 11 years ago

    by IdTakeABulletForYou

    [In a] timeless place, set in timeless stone[,]
    [that is peaceful] and proud, [with] a mind of it's own
    You can be surrounded, and yet still [be] alone[.]
    Remember the foolish. Remember the brave.

    Whispering memories blow through the trees[,]
    Swaying gently in the calm evening breeze
    Setting the wanderers minds at ease[...]
    [They r]emember who they lost their lives to save.

    Silent, sincere, uniformed and dire
    Simple minds, with hatred to [greatly] inspire
    Courage and determination I can only admire
    As I live, I remember those who lay in their grave[s]...
    {for me to be here in their [place] --- just a suggested 5th line.}

    It's an okay poem. I liked it, although it could have had a better flow and it could have been a little more precise in syllabication. I edited it moreso for making sense than I did for a specific flow; I couldn't really find one.
    I like the meaning of the poem, however, I wish you would have elaborated on it and maybe made it a little bit longer.
    It was a nice poem, that could have done well for a little more editing.
    Not the best poem, but okay.

    4/5

    ~stephen white