Comments : An Intensity

  • 11 years ago

    by isabel

    Your eyes don't lie
    And they're staring into mine
    With an intensity that burns the soul.

    this is a very good begin for the poem... it feels easy to draw into it... Yet I would change "burns the soul" to "burns my soul"... I think it would fit better...

    You electrify every nerve,
    Send chills down my spine
    Making me lose self-control.

    A very good image... Electricity has an intensity that fits with the previous stanza...
    Though I think "lose control" fits better as "lose self-control", you probably use the "self-" to emphasize the situation...

    Your voice floats over me,
    Washing me in your warmth
    Oh, it's about to take it's toll.

    Again, the imagery is very good... I feel the beginning of a certain climax... :)
    This stanza reminds me of someone... =)))

    Those hands of yours,
    They move with such grace
    Through the air, they flow.

    I understand the relation between air and grace, yet i lost myself a little bit... hands flow through the air? well, maybe I am misreading it... I might have a clue of what you meant, though... maybe you meant that the hands move with such grace, like they are flowing through the air... The image is good, it only confused me a little bit...

    You make my knees go weak
    You send my heart into a frenzy,
    And you don't even know.

    A very nice ending... I, personally, don't like to use the word "frenzy" because it usually doesn't fit very well... yet it kind of fits here...
    I really liked the last stanza... It's so frustrating when a person makes you feel that way without even knowing it...

    5/5

    *keep on*
    isabel

  • 11 years ago

    by Katie

    Kail this is so great! Would it happen to be about a guy whose starts with a J?

  • 11 years ago

    by CanUKissAwayMyPain

    Awww... this was beauitfully writen. i can relate to this. ur heart pounding with life cuz he's nxt you and ur breath goes away with that smile but he doesnt even know he does that to you. sading but also happy. ya.. i really do love it. Great job. Keep it up!

    TaKe CaRe,
    Frenchy

  • 11 years ago

    by Empathy

    I absolutely loved reading this poem because some of stanzas I found I could relate to. It reminds of the situation I am in with love right now. Though it is confusing beyond belief for me, this poem makes me feel like I am not so alone in my predicament, but I digress.

    This is very well thought out and written. I really enjoyed the descriptions you used to describe the different feelings of actions. Overall a great read, and a much better type of love poem that I have read in a while.

    Excellent work.

  • 11 years ago

    by H E Losey

    Your story is interesting as is the rhyme scheme. My read was not as smooth as it should be as your metre/rhythm is not there.

  • 11 years ago

    by Sourav

    Good one... In a way it's a simple write. Nice work!