Ever since you were taken, my thoughts have run wild
[Every since you were taken, my thoughts have ran wild]
- For some reason I think that changing that to 'run' seems a bit more simplistic.
Always knew what to say to make me feel bliss
[You always knew what to say, to comfort me in bliss]
- I wasn't too fond of how you had that worded, it messed up the flow a bit and was kinda confusing. I will say that I like your first stanza, especially the last line. But, I don't LOVE your first stanza. I think the main reason is that it was too much. Simplifying the first line and making the flow better in the third (this one) I think will help it a lot. And make it more lovable. (:
Plus, it'll help catch the readers attention better. I think when there's any problems what-so-ever in the first stanza it kind of takes away from the rest of the poem. Maybe I'm just really picky about it? Lol.
"You'd flash me a smile and tickle my nose
Giving me one hell of a happiness dose!"
- Though I adore the entire stanza, these two lines made me chuckle. They're adorable!
First off I'd like to tell you that I loved how you wrote this poem. Other than the first stanza you have a GREAT, GREAT, GREAT poem here. I adored it. In the third stanza you did a really good job of making the poem personal, yet giving room for the readers to trigger their own happy memories. It's just a trigger happy stanza, literally. The fourth stanza you did a good job of connection the happiness in the first line to the sadness in the last line. That's something that I love writers for doing. Instead of chunky emotions they all flow together. Once again in the fifth stanza, whic hI adored far more than I'll probably let on. I liked how you (ONCE AGAIN) was able to take the happy memories and transform them to sadness/yearning so simplistic - ly. I think a good poet can do that with no effort and it seems as if you did a decent job with it. The last stanza IS AMAZING. I think that this is the stanza of which won you over. Don't get me wrong you have an amazing poem here, but that last stanza is clever and just brings the entire piece to an amazing halt.