Comments : Without you

  • 15 years ago

    by Cotton Candy Clouds

    The year has gone so fast
    today will soon be past
    Christmas is Nealy here
    i don't really care my dear
    ^^ok so great intro : ) you raised a question in my mind which is good because that keeps me intrigued to read the rest The question that popped into my mind was why dont you care? like what happened that youre not excited for chrismas?! the only thing i didn't like in this stanza was the second line seemed like it was there only for rhyme it just seemed a little forced to me

    nothing to look forward to
    got nothing special to do
    nothing to be happy bout
    nothing but endless doubt
    ^^ what happened?! what made you so upset :/ more questions : ) i am just joting down what came to mind when i read your poem this stanza was fine maybe just add some stronger adjectives instead of generic words like "happy" or "special it would just make your poem more emotional and gripping

    this time last yr you were here
    looking forward to Xmas my dear
    you were here with your family
    telling us not to be silly
    ^^ the thing that stood out to me the most was that the last line is shorter than the rest which sort of throws off the flow maybe just re word it to be longer or add a little something more
    other than that this stanza gives some insight to the reader! so was it a lost one that you are grieving ? it is good that you made it a mystery and only gave up as much information as the reader needed to understand

    Nana it's nearly been a year
    and i still seem to be shedding a tear
    remembering your endless care
    you were always always here!
    ^^aww....sad : / i just lost a nana to...actually in january of last year..and papa died just about a month ago so i can relate here it sort of pulled at my heart strings but you know what ! she is looking down on you now : ) i bet smiling to !

    Great poem ! maybe just add some stronger vocabulary that would be my only suggestion
    5/5

  • 15 years ago

    by XxRed RougexXKoRn

    Aww im sorry about your nana my grandma past a longg time ago and my grandpa past when i was 2 months old..
    my christmas's arn't all that good either but really great poem