Comments : If You Were A Poem, This Would Be It

  • 15 years ago

    by Jenni Marie

    Your brown eyes sparkle like chestnuts,
    Smile, and your teeth are twinkling stars.
    Blushing red like blood from fresh cuts
    When I see you, or wilting roses in a vase."

    ^^Ahhhh...I frikken adore this opening stanza, the imagery is beautiful, just beautiful, it creates vivid pictures in my mind while the flow is flawless and pulls me into the piece. I don't think you need the fillers though, they work without them, maybe:

    Brown eyes sparkle like chestnuts,
    Smile, your teeth are twinkling stars.
    Blushing red like blood from fresh cuts
    When I see you, or wilting roses in a vase.

    "Your voice is a beautiful harmony,
    Bronze hair soft velvet.
    This handsome young man means so much to me,
    You are someone I will never forget."

    ^^I found the flow to be slightly of on the last line, maybe change I will, to I'll?

    "Your personality is like a flower:
    Open, delicate and gentle.
    Around you, you hold all the power.
    A part of my life, you are essential."

    ^^I really like the similies you're using to describe him, it adds so much meaning to the poem, and beautiful rhyming here.

    "When you walk past, my heart utters a sigh:
    You will never be my special guy. "

    ^^I liked these lines, but I felt they were a little weaker than the rest of the piece which was strong throughout..maybe add some more?

    To say this was the first poem you wrote, I think you did a remarkable job.