Comments : The Wind is Misery

  • 15 years ago

    by Jenni Marie

    If I'm honest, the amount of fillers (I, the, but etc) you used throughout spoiled it for me and threw the flow in multiple places.
    Maybe:

    I am but a dead leaf
    Floating through autumn skies
    Searching below
    For a cozy place to lay and die
    Winds keep pushing
    Leading me to world's edge
    There are doubts
    I've made my self pledge
    Promised I will end
    Laying in a field of self pity
    With all the other leaves
    All rotten, forgotten and shitty

    "All rotten, forgotten and shitty"
    ^^I get the meaning here, and the feeling but the use of the word shitty makes it seem like you were just trying to continue with the rhyme scheme, and it makes it seemed forced. Reword maybe?

    It does sting a bit
    Realized the true meaning
    Wind is no enemy
    Though pain is demeaning
    Wind is old
    Means not to kill you
    Life is full of pain
    Sadly this is the truth
    Understand
    Leafs dropped from trees
    Won't go far
    But let to drift in the misery
    Won't crush on landing

    "But let to drift in the misery"-let? left?

    Love the closing line, very powerful.

    However I was thrown that most of the poem had a fixed rhyme whereas the last few lines didn't.