Comments : A Discontented Heart

  • 11 years ago

    by isabel

    Wounded from the past; now scared of letting go
    A broken heart and ash burnt pictures, still won't help her grow
    Blocked out memories; repressed hostility; subdued desires
    Struggling to prevail, though hidden, through her walls of fire

    A very good beginning...
    I love your imagery... It is astonishingly great...
    The verses are sometimes a bit long, though... Yet it doesn't seem to mess up the flow, although the difference between the first and second verse is a little bit confusing...
    I loved the last verse...

    Masqueraded imperfections; jaded with a broken heart
    Seemingly sincere, and suppression through her work of art
    Afraid to open up, to allow herself these blissful moments
    Always camouflaged behind a smile; and shadowing her torments

    Your wording is really amazing... It draws such a clear image of the emotion...
    I am beginning to relate to the feeling inside this poem...

    Afflicted from her past relationships, with the liars and the cheats
    How could she learn to trust again, always feeling incomplete?
    How can she give away her heart, when the pieces are astray?
    Who would want a tattered, torn up love; to love for everyday?

    This is my favorite stanza... :)
    Again, your imagery is just so good... ;)
    I do relate to the emotions shared in here...
    Yet I must say... Sometimes, only the fact of loving again can heal you... when you find a person who can put the pieces of your heart back together...
    Your rhetorical question in the last verse just took my breath away...

    Altogether: In this poem, I find nothing to criticize... (it is a little bit long, yet that isn't always a bad thing :) )
    It's really a fantastic write...

    About the title... I am not sure if it fits or not... It depends on the idea you wish to transmit about the poem... You could change the adjectiv if you like... for something like "shattered"... but it sounds a little bit cliché... "Shadows of the heart"?
    I don't know...
    Well, your title is quite original, I think... I'm not sure if changing it won't make it lose its originality...

    *keep on*
    isabel

  • 11 years ago

    by Rolo

    I liked the content and word choice of this write. However, I was never able to completely catch on to the flow of this poem..which made the rhyming almost obsolete to me. It was still full of emotion and character, but I almost read it as a free verse. Love the idea and story I was able to capture...I think it was very beautiful.

    As for the title, I feel it fits just fine. After reading I might have titled it something like "A heart, discouraged"....but that's just me :]

    Overall, good job...and keep it up! 5.

    -Rolo

  • 11 years ago

    by Faithless

    Wounded from the past; now scared of letting go
    A broken heart and ash burnt pictures, still won't help her grow
    Blocked out memories; repressed hostility; subdued desires
    Struggling to prevail, though hidden, through her walls of fire

    -What a nice way to opening up the poem.
    The imagery that you have display was nicely done

    Masqueraded imperfections; jaded with a broken heart
    Seemingly sincere, and suppression through her work of art
    Afraid to open up, to allow herself these blissful moments
    Camouflaged behind a smile; shadowing her torments

    -I like this stunning stanza. Here you have shown that you are left tired with a broken heart
    and that being in that state display your expression. No longer naive as before it's hard for
    the protagonist to find confide in someone hence just showing a false facade of what is not

    Afflicted from her past relationships, with the liars and the cheats
    How could she learn to trust again, always feeling incomplete?
    How can she give away her heart, when the pieces are astray?
    Who would want a tattered, torn up love; to love for everyday?

    -I love how you close this poem with all these questions that lingers in your mind
    and wondering how could you share your life with someone whom you can't trust

    Overall you did a very good job excuting this poem. I think the current title works just fine for me

    Excellent Job
    5/5

  • 11 years ago

    by SilentSuicide

    I loved your choice of words to describe the feeling. People can easily relate to this. and i acually think the title is fine. but thats just my opnion. you could always change it. Everything could use a little patch up. :) but your poem is very nice.

  • 11 years ago

    by Blissful

    I loved it! The words struck so true and I'm sure many could relate. When one goes through so much heartbreak in the past and are lied to they feel as if they can never trust another man again and question if anyone would be so patient with them and their trust issues. I know how that feels hun but no matter how many times youve been lied to, cheated on, you should love twice as hard because you shouldnt let those bad people in life keep you from experiancing the beauty in love.

    "Masqueraded imperfections; jaded with a broken heart"
    ^I loved how you worded this. It sounded so poetic and beautiful when I read it out loud. Great use of words and imagery to paint this picture of a person witih a broken heart and the pain that comes along with it. You took something people write about everyday and turned it into something unique, something only you could write. Well said!

    "How could she learn to trust again, always feeling incomplete?
    How can she give away her heart, when the pieces are astray?
    Who would want a tattered, torn up love; to love for everyday? "
    ^I loved how you ended it in a series of questions. Having our heart broken does leave us feeling uncertain about our future relatonships. The way I look at it is that people walk into our lives for a reason. Some to love us and some to hurt us but they are all there to make us into the person we are today.

    I am so glad I read this.
    Very well written!
    *5/5* :]

  • 11 years ago

    by cowgirlstar26

    Loved this part .

    Masqueraded imperfections; jaded with a broken heart
    Seemingly sincere, and suppression through her work of art
    Afraid to open up, to allow herself these blissful moments
    Camouflaged behind a smile; shadowing her torments

    the first line is like * boom *
    5.5 i'm really looking forward to reading more from you.

    thanks for taking time to read my poem!

  • 11 years ago

    by Krista

    I think the title fits well.
    I'm a punctuation nut, and the only punctuation I saw was question marks and semi colans. If you added some periods and commas it would flow better for me. The never ending sentences just kinds ruined it for me.
    Also, it felt like there was a rhyme scheme, but it got lost in some parts of the poem.
    Other than that, I did enjoy it.

  • 11 years ago

    by CanUKissAwayMyPain

    Wounded from the past; now scared of letting go
    A broken heart and ash burnt pictures, still won't help her grow
    Blocked out memories; repressed hostility; subdued desires
    Struggling to prevail, though hidden, through her walls of fire

    ^the three stanzal were just incrediable. the words you choose wwent great there. very touching and deep indeed.

    Masqueraded imperfections; jaded with a broken heart
    Seemingly sincere, and suppression through her work of art
    Afraid to open up, to allow herself these blissful moments
    Camouflaged behind a smile; shadowing her torments

    ^afriad to let anyone in anymore? in time sumone would slowlie get inside ur heart n you wouldnt have seen it coming. cuz i can relate to this part as many can afriad to let anyone in cuz of afriad of getting hurt.

    Afflicted from her past relationships, with the liars and the cheats
    How could she learn to trust again, always feeling incomplete?
    How can she give away her heart, when the pieces are astray?
    Who would want a tattered, torn up love; to love for everyday?

    ^nice way of ending your poem here. i love poems with question cuz it makes me thing for an answer n stuff. i love it. amazing job once again. =]
    5/5

    TaKe CaRe,
    Frenchy

  • 11 years ago

    by AnCi

    Another amazing poem. You really have your way with words! I especially love this part:
    "Afflicted from her past relationships, with the liars and the cheats
    How could she learn to trust again..."
    It was alomst like the poem is about me and I could feel every single feeling that you are writing about!

  • 11 years ago

    by Not Enough

    I love the begining of the peom. It's a grat way to start it. It's very unique. And you had me hooked from the first 2 lines. I love the ending as well. And the inagery is perfect. The emotion is definitely there.I love the wroding of the poem. You have a grat vocabulary. The only thing I didn't like is the fact that I didn't really undertand it as wellas I wanted to. I had to read it about 2-3 times before I could really understandthe poem. But it's still an excellent poem.

    Soda E>