Comments : Abdicating My Eden

  • 15 years ago

    by Lady Nik

    In my own dimension
    Devoid of love & hate
    I was safe from harm
    Perfection incarnate.

    (Very beautiful start. nice and very detailed. great work here.)

    In perfect harmony
    Time seemed to hang
    No sudden chaos
    Tranquil Yin & Yang

    (this part reminds me of something i would say, great)

    Spoiled in riches
    In my own little world
    All went well
    Till I saw this girl

    (i like how things take a different direction here. makes me want to know what happens when you meet this girl)

    Through a tiny window
    Stood a woman's figure
    With fascination
    I dared go nearer

    (great, you keep up the flow, i love it)

    A tinge of awe
    At what wasn't mine
    Can I own this being
    Portrait divine?

    (great diction and imagery, i feel like i'm with you.)

    Innocent smile
    It proved contagious
    With eyes so gentle
    It seemed fictitious

    (love the imagery here also, you have a gift for words)

    I drew closer
    Her eyes caught my gaze
    She flashed a hello
    And my heart set ablaze

    (beautiful)

    Like a fish being baited
    By a fisherman's hook
    Curiosity drove me
    To a closer look

    (nice metaphors, i'm really enjoying this poem)

    My world was shook
    I was missing this piece
    How is it for so long
    She had eluded me?

    Hesitation manifested
    And I stopped on my track
    If i went through the window
    Can I still come back?

    (love the diction here)

    Will I take this chance?
    I thought to myself
    Is she worth having
    More than anything else?

    (good, this is like a story, very detailed)

    Oblivious to heartache
    To love, envy, pain
    I've always been safe
    Master of this place

    (nice stanza)

    A beat like no other
    Set off in my chest
    Which fed the flame within
    & flared up my interest

    (love the personification(sorry if i spelled that wrong lol)

    There was no more doubt about it
    I didn't want to stay alone
    I want to risk this happiness
    Even at the sake of my home

    (great but i would change want to wanted, flows better)

    I reached out through the window
    She met me with a grasp
    Since then I've lived in joyous bliss
    Never looking back

    wow this was such a powerful poem, everything flow well. i loved it. keep it up. Shanik