Temps,

It was sad opening up the page and finding this poem without any comments and only a 4 rating to it. There should be a way to remove these little people that do this. Cowards.

The poem is great, it shows how one can go from total bliss to utter dissapointment and despair. I have been there too, so many times. When we open up our hearts to someone, there is always a chance they will step on it, sometimes even twist their heel in it. It is never wrong to love, even if it goes wrong, Temps. This is how I see it. You are a good person and I believe that you will find a person who will make you happy one day soon and then all these dark poems will become a thing of the past. A forgotten past.

*hugs*

5/5 Ingrid

I have to agree with Ingrid. The poem is well written, nice form and meaning. I am glad to see you branching out and trying new things. Well done.

How come the form changes on the 5th stanza? What could work good for you (because the pace and tone changes around the 5th stanza anyway) is revert the form, which could stand for the reversed feelings the persona feels. Just a suggestion..might be a nice effect. You've done well with the language here, Temps.
Problem with this could be that you've got a lot of polysyllabic words here - sometimes we need to variate between low and high frequency lexis as 'communicative' language is how someone like Simon Armitage would write. Some of it looks like you've just swallowed a thesaurus.

'illusions' and 'tangled' are quite different in what they suggest. I don't think 'tangled' suits the first stanza. I could be being picky but you've got a lot of nice words with nice consonant sounds and 'tangled' which is a harsh word, compared.

'Fervor planted in the heart,
butterflies linger,
carefree.'

I'm starting to get frustrated with butterflies representing everything. It's a flavour of the month haha. Do you know what ferver is? It's intense feelings of excitement or heat - I'm not sure you can 'plant' it. Even metaphorically speaking.

'Skies polished pink,
lustrous sun,
glamor.'

'Polished pink' is a very obscure image - you've got a lustrous sun and a pink sky. Is this some different planet? I know it's meant to be 'abstract' but, you need to make your fiction believable.

'Nature speaks,
soft whispers,
peaceful.'

See this is good because its simple, says a bit more and isn't clumsy. What is the relevance of this though? The stanzas don't really follow very well.

'Chaos.
Screeching voices,
Disrupting silence.'

Change in tone-obviously purposeful but you could make it more subtle. You could attempt my suggestion from before or you could rephrase this so chaos is last, because it'll be more powerful.

'Opaque clouds,
heavy with anger,
hideous.'

This was fine - nothing to comment on here. Good.

'Love no longer absorbed,
happiness dies,
troubled.'

'Dies' is a bit clumsy, as is 'absorbed', it's actually the least effective stanza in my opinion.

'Haunted by reality,
distressed spirit,
fails. '

Ending wasn't bad but you need to make the first half coherent, the whole poem jolts around a bit, and it doesn't flow very well in terms of imagery. Liked the idea, and the form was a good touch too, just needs a bit of touching up.

Sorry, got mistaken with 'ferver', I thought it meant something else. Apparently it means 'boil, bubble, simmer'. My bad. I'm sure you meant to write 'fervour'.

The imagery was beautiful , a very nice read.

'Skies polished pink,
lustrous sun,
glamor.'

I liked this stanza very much, Reminds me of the beautiful pink you see in the sky in early evening!
an excellent job